Reading it now after gaining some perspective on it and and adding another name to the list was an interesting exercise and something that, to be honest, I am still not quite sure how I ended up there, but I did.
While I read it I started to think that I really didn't do some of them justice, I short changed some of the guys and gave others too much credit...so I decided to in a sense re-do the post with one major addition.
Exhibit E - 1 year. Def. the strangest person I have dated, physically not someone I was overly attracted to, but he was extremely intelligent and dorky (which is also a trait I find exceedingly attractive). He was much older than me, I would say about 5 years, which at the time was a HUGE difference. Overall, I always thought of him as someone to pass the time with. Not someone I ever had strong feelings for but he kept me occupied. He was also a HUGE pothead, something I am adamantly against having never done drugs in my life. Honestly, a waste of a year. -Here is one instance that I feel I short changed someone, he taught me a lot about what I wanted in a person and in turn led me to one of my greatest loves. Were we a good match, no, not at all, but he had his value. And looking back I find that he had the the typical physical attributes I am attracted to in most men to this day.
Exhibit M - 4 1/2 years. An amazing person. He was my best friend, intelligent, good looking, funny (albeit borderline corny, but it was his thing) and extremely down to earth. He loved me more than I deserved, the son my parents never had and the man my ENTIRE family expected I would marry. Sadly, while on paper he was perfect, I was never truly in love with him. This relationship I have always felt proves the existence of a misfire in my brain. There was no reason why I shouldn't have been happy with Exhibit M, but somehow I couldn't be. - The more I hear of what has become of his life the more guilt I feel for how I ended things. Not that I shouldn't have ended things, just that he didn't take it well. I don't think, no matter how long you have been with someone, you should stay with them if you don't love them, and that was the case with him. Every time I find something out about his life I feel a pang of guilt that maybe, just maybe had I been able to love him the way he deserved things would have been different. But c'est la vie.
Exhibit S - 1 1/2 years. A COMPLETE change from Exhibit M. Physically he was shorter than I was, good looking but not in a classical sense. Beyond brilliant. I always felt inferior to him because of how smart he was. He was also the oldest person I ever dated. He was 8 years older than me, not an issue at first but as time wore on it became one. Major issues with my family because of him and even though he was a nice guy also someone I never really loved. When that relationship ended I didn't cry, wasn't sad, just went on like it was a regular day. More than anything else I was relieved. - He was a sweet man. A loving man and someone who was aching to find the right person. Unfortunately thats hard to find in a 20 year old, no matter how mature I was at the time. I honestly don't know what became of him, but I hope he found someone who made him truly happy.
The Ex-Husband - 4 years 5 months. Ummm, yeah, how to describe the person that you thought was a good idea to marry. Well for starters, he was extremely self assured, intelligent, cocky and outgoing. I would say that it was his personality that initially attracted me to him. Physically, he was not bad looking, though def. not classically good looking. We were friends for a while before anything developed and even then, the catalyst that sparked something between us was our friends working behind the scenes to get us together. We started dating for my 21st birthday, what initially seemed to take forever to get off the ground became a huge train, going down hill with the brakes gone. We moved in together 3 weeks after our first date and were engaged one year later. Yes, we initially had fun, he has a great sense of humor but was fond of using it against me and that wore thin. While I am not going to sit here and break down the bad of my marriage because their def. was a lot of bad, I can simply sum it up by saying, we should never have gotten married. We weren't right for each other and didn't really love each other.
- Here is where some perspective is gained. As terrible as our marriage was, because terrible it was, we were once friends, we used to laugh together, we had things in common. And then somewhere along the line things changed. Do I regret marrying and all the bad that came with it, no? But given the choice again, would I have said yes, probably not. We were perfectly happy living together, the engagement was the beggining of the end. Hindsight is definitely clearer than 20/20 and it was that question that ended our relationship. All I can say is I am so happy we never had children together, but I will never regret the life I had with him and the memories we made together. He gave me the love of my life, Bailey and for that a teeny piece of me will always love him despite everything that came after.
Exhibit B - 9 months. By far, the kindest, and most sincere man I have ever dated. A 100% complete and total opposite from my ex husband. Spiritually enlightened and completely unaware of his own worth and beauty both inside and out. Def. not the easiest relationship I've been in but the most rewarding and happiest I've ever been. The first person I truly loved. Still a friend and the person who knows me best. I can't say anything negative about him or the relationship but I learned the most about my self during the short time we were together. - As much as I would like to say that I have gained oodles of perspective on this one I can't. It never would have worked. We both acknowledged this, during the breakup, after the break up, months later as we wrote to each other. I have never experienced a broken heart as fiercely as I did through this break up. And despite that, despite one day falling in love again and moving on and surely meeting the love of my life at some point, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that when I am old and gray I will look back at my life and still wonder, what it would have been like if we could have made it work, despite the impossibility of it all.
Exhibit SP - 1 year 3 months He was a warm breeze, like nothing I had ever seen before or experienced. Spoke in riddles and mesmerized me. It was a challange from the beggining, something that should have been a warning sign for me. He was an excellent talker, great at spinning stories to make me feel like he was making moves, fulfilling promises that instead were left empty. I didn't realized that he lived in his own world a world where one didn't grow up and have mature responsibility and nothing was ever important. The damage that was done to me, wasn't done by him, not intentionally, he didn't know any better, he just did. A silent ninja. I allowed it, I'm the one to blame. But even with all that, I want his happiness and his success that I urged and motivated him to strive for for so long. Without me, but on the foundation of my blood sweat and tears. I just really don't want to know anything about it. I swear I'm not bitter, I'm just selfish right now.
1 comments:
"A silent ninja." And "I swear I'm not bitter, I'm just selfish right now." BB, you've never written a better post in your entire life. This introspection was so freakin' awesome. Almost motivates me to do the same.
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