The anger finally arrived

So as we all know there are phases to everything in life.  And honestly, with the latest breakup I didn't think I would be angry, I didn't think that I would ever hate him.  It was my decision to end things.  It was me who made the call to move on after a year and a half of what was mostly not a healthy relationship but because of the distance wasn't always easy to see.

Then a couple of weeks ago I got a text message from him and I was so filled with rage I didn't know what to do with myself.  I am not an angry person.  I am in point of fact, usually, an extremely patient, person but when he asked me how I was doing and how the depression was and basically told me that despite everything that transpired between us he couldn't feel bad about the things that happened.  He couldn't feel guilty about what he did or didn't do he just needed to "swallow deep and keep moving" I saw red.

you are a pirate by lemon5ky

This is the same man who swore to love me to the ends of the earth and back and who cried when I broke up with him because he couldn't imagine a life without me in it.  Now thats not the kind of hysterics I want from anyone and certainly not the kind of person I want to be in a relationship with.  But what really pissed me off is this: his text opened my eyes to something that I should have seen a long time ago.  This one little relationship with some random person did more damage to me in a year and change than the cumulative relationships I have had in the 26 years that proceeded it including my marriage to an unfaithful asshole.  Why?  Because I let him.  He was a parasite that I let feed off me.  The longer I allowed it the weaker I became until I broke.

I had this aha moment that day reading his text while getting sun in my parents back yard and told my therapist the following week.  He told me under no circumstances should I be speaking to him for a long while.  I need to heal from all the damage that was done, and even though the damage was not intentional it was still done and emotional scars last so much longer.  He's glad I came to these conclusions myself, and so quickly, he said he knew I would get there he just figured it would take a while before I did.

I feel used, but more so I feel disappointed in myself that I allowed myself to be used in such a way and didn't think I deserved anything in return.  As my therapist put it "you are a woman who deserves a man, and he Jossie, was a boy playing at being one"