Apparently my taste in men is questionable...

Last night after the recital, Vickie, Teresa, Gabe and I went to dinner at Flannigans. (I'm going to assume there are Flannigans every where and that I don't have to tell you what it is, if I do, comment and I'll tell you) Flannigan's is notorious for having mostly men patrons. A perfect blend of old dirty guys and young sports fans.

When we get our table we are seated next to 4 men. Quite obviously a father and his 3 sons, how did I know this, they all had the exact same profile. Exact same profile. Two of the sons were in their mid 20's. Teresa looked over to them and then at me. The signal. Or as close to a signal as we get. I smiled and whispered (Gabe was sitting next to me and the least subtle person I know, I was purposely trying to exclude him) yeah they are pretty hot. Teresa thought the one sitting closest to me looked like the ex-hubby. He totally did, but hot. The brother sitting next to him was even hotter. At this point Gabriel caught on that we were talking about something and had to know what.

I told him he needed to act like a grown up once I did and not do anything stupid. So I told him. He fully turned around, stared at them and tells me "God Jossie, what is it with you only being attracted to douche bags!" Nice. Gabriel for the win! He starts expounding nonsense about how the pre-requisite for me to even talk to a guy is that he is an ass. Gabriel for the record has never, NEVER, liked any guy I have ever dated. And he has known them all.

Of course at this point Vickie and Teresa got into the conversation and it was just pure fun for me after that. "I need to have standards", "I can't just start dating someone because I think they are hot", "I can't make allowances if they are douches, I just need to cut ties"...blah blah blah.

What did I get from this lovely gem of a conversation? Apparently, my friends think they would chose better for me than I have chosen for myself. So I'm going to let them vet any candidates that come along. But like I told Gabriel, any guy that I like he won't. Its simple, I am not really attracted to Football loving, beer drinking, ball scratching kind of guys. He's all about that. Would it be nice that my future boyfriend be a love match for my bff's hubby, sure. Will it happen, probably not.

Things are just sexier in Spanish

Today on the way to our friend Natalie's dance recital we listened to my iPod in the car.  I recently spent way too much money downloading a crap-ton of spanish music.  I love spanish music.  I don't listen to it daily because basically it makes me want to dance, all the time.  And thats just not appropriate every where I go.  So I listen to it at home where I can let the true blue latin girl out of me.  While flipping through the songs we ended up on Juan Luis Guerra, Burbujas de Amor.  

World, this is one effing sexy song.  I've heard it since I was a little wee one, sang the lyrics even,  but it was not until today that the meaning of the lyrics hit me.  HOLY HELL!  That song should be rated NC17.  It is the sexiest song, without being gross.  I don't even know how he manages it because if I were to translate the words for you, you'd be ashamed of me.  I can't even bring myself to translate it for you.  I tried.  The chorus.  I couldn't, I started blushing.

The three of us sat in the car, happily singing the song, loving every sexual innuendo it threw at us.  

I'm including the lyrics (in spanish) and a video.  Even if you don't understand it, it really is a beautiful song.  Very romantic, sexy, a perfect mood setter.  All it would take was that song playing in the background.  God I'm easy.

Burbujas de Amor

Tengo un corazón

Mutilado de esperanza y de razón

Tengo un corazón que madruga donde quiera

¡ay ay ay ay ay!

Este corazón

se desnuda de impaciencia

Ante tu voz,

Pobre corazón

Que no atrapa su cordura

Quisiera ser un pez

Para tocar mi nariz en tu pecera

Y hacer burbujas de amor por dondequiera,ohhhh

Pasar la noche en vela

Mojado en ti

Un pez

Para bordar de corales tu cintura

Y hacer siluetas de amor bajo la luna, ohhhh

Saciar esta locura

Mojado en ti

Canta corazón

con un ancla imprescindible de ilusión

Sueña corazón

No te nubles de amargura, ay ay ay ay ay

Y este corazón

Se desnuda de impaciencia

Ante tu voz,

Pobre corazón

Que no atrapa su cordura

Quisiera ser un pez

Para tocar mi nariz en tu pecera

Y hacer burbujas de amor por dondequiera, oohh

Pasar la noche en vela

Mojado en ti

Un pez

para bordar de corales tu cintura

Y hacer siluetas de amor bajo la luna, oooohh

saciar esta locura

mojado en ti

Una noche

Para hundirnos hasta el fin

Cara a cara

Beso a beso

Y vivir

Por siempre

Mojado en ti

Quisiera ser un pez

para tocar mi nariz en tu pecera

y hacer burbujas de amor por dondequiera, ohhh

pasar la noche en vela

mojado en ti

Un pez

para bordar de cayenas tu cintura

y hacer siluetas de amor bajo la luna, ohhh

saciar esta locura

mojado en ti

Para tocar mi nariz en tu pecera

y hacer burbujas de amor por dondequiera, ohhh

pasar la noche en vela

mojado en ti

Un pez para bordar de cayenas tu cintura

y hacer siluetas de amor bajo la luna, ohhh

vaciar esta locura

mojado en ti 

Old habits are hard to kick

I've had this mission in life ever since I was like 8.  I have to be adorable at all times.  Yes, I am a girly girl.  Growing up I had to get fully dressed to go get the mail, get something from my parents car, basically to do anything that meant I walked out the front door.  Yes, my taste in clothing was a tad strange at times.  All I am going to say is gold parakeet hair clip.  But I always thought I was adorable.

As I grew up I realized, wow, I was so not adorable growing up.  Yes, I had my moments but overall, kind of a hot mess.  Yes there are plenty of photos (not sure if I want to share them, really but I will) but I've been told that I dressed so crazy at times that my mom made it a point to walk separate from me because she couldn't deal with my outfits.

Please note the monstrosity on my head...I was all about strange hair accessories

I had just woken up at my grandma's hence the giant pj shirt that belonged to my dad...again note the strange thing on my head, I slept with those puppies on.  That was a shiny iridescent butterfly clip.

Now however is a different story.  I hope.  Yes, there are still times that I throw an outfit together and my sister looks at me strangely.  Actually, like the outfit I wore to hang out at the castle the other night.  She saw me once she got there and said "You look kind of crazy, but its the kind of crazy I like." I thought the outfit was great.  I've had every piece of it for over 3 years, never once considered putting them together, until Wednesday night.  Once I did, it was kismet.  They were meant to be together.  

So when I say I take shopping very seriously.  I mean it.  Yes, I shop often.  More than often, a lot.  I have to clean out my closet every 3 months, Teresa and Natalie are the lucky recipients of trash bags chock full of clothes...some new, I'm not even going to try to lie.  And they truly appreciate it.  Not only does Teresa benefit from clothes I no longer want, but also stuff I very much wear.  Why? Well Teresa is my exact same size.  Top to bottom, shoes included.  So she basically has her very own little mall whenever she wants a new something to wear.  I have an accessory cabinet as tall as me, chock full of crap, in every color you can think of.  I guarantee I have an accessory to match ANY outfit you can come up with.  Two pairs of shoes as well that you can chose from for said outfit and a purse.  

While married I had to curtail my shopping nothing sent the ex-hubby from 0 to 100 quicker than my shopping.  He put me on a budget.  And made me stick to it meticulously. It sucked!  It was so well known that he had successfully put me on a budget that his best man joked about it during his speech...and everyone laughed their asses off.  Because they know how I am.  I did eventually get used to it.  Sort of.

When we divorced, I rebelled.  I went on a shopping spree for about 8 months.  So much so that when I moved in I had to buy a 6 drawer chest and a 3 drawer chest to hold my clothes.  Not to mention my already full closet which literally goes wall to wall in my room, 4 huge shoe bins + an under the bed shoe storer and the afore mentioned accessory chest.  Yes, its sick.

I calmed down quite a bit over the last four months.  Seriously.  Now I buy myself clothes when I have an event for work or a special occasion that requires it.  Shoes, well I can't help that I bought a pairs of boots yesterday even though I live in Miami and already own another 12 pairs.  But honestly I am keeping it reigned in.  I can be responsible.  Its not always easy when you work hard as shit for your money.  But I try.  

Sleep, you slippery little sucker

It was one of those nights.  I suffer from mini bouts of insomnia from time to time.  They suck. Especially for some reason, during the summer months.  Dealing with it last night was wholly unexpected.

So what time did I get to sleep last night, correction, morning?  7:00am.  Fantastic.  

What time did I wake up today? 12:00pm.  

What do I feel/look like right now?  A hot effing mess.  

At the very least I was productive while I was not sleeping.  I read a book.  Started it at 2:30 finished at 6:00.   It was okay.  You know, a brainless read to numb the fact that I should have been sleeping, easily one of my favorite things in the world to do.

I get yelled at every time this happens.  I should be taking sleeping pills.  I'm sure at some point I will cave.  Maybe today is that day because seriously I've never stayed awake all night.  4 or 5 ish is as late as it gets.  7 was brutal.  I finally forced myself at 6 to try to fall asleep I laid in bed wide awake and watched the sun gradually peak through my curtains.  Bailey was fed up with me at this point.  When I don't sleep she doesn't either.  She refuses to sleep with Vickie on those nights so she spends it miserable in between my legs literally giving me the stink eye every time I move.  Somehow, she is a freaking ball of energy today.  I am fully expecting her to crap out at some point and sleep the day away like I wish I could be doing.  Seething with jealousy as she cuddles and naps.  

More than one opportunity for fun flushed down the toilet

I went over to Teresa's house at around 5pm after spending the majority of my day moping around the apartment.  I realize that it seems like I see her everyday, not quite, but almost.  I had an epiphany as I sat on the sofa talking to her, Vickie and Gabe.  

What the hell am I going to do with myself when they abandon me next Thursday-Sunday for D.C.?  Seriously, I am going to lose my damn mind.  My sisters 28th birthday is on December 4th and her birthday present from Teresa, Gabe and me was a trip to DC. (awesome, I know)  I was supposed to go but due to the fact that I have the largest event of my season rapidly approaching (January 24th) I cannot spare the time off.  I have over 4 weeks vacation, I wish I was kidding. That I never get to take, it seriously just rolls over to the next year when I eventually cash some of it out.

Even this past year when I spent what seemed like half of my life in Alabama visiting the ex-bf I still had another week left.  So while my best friends are living it up in DC next week/weekend I will be home, alone.  In lieu of the last few days and newly formed realization that I, in fact, do not enjoy spending so much time alone now that I am single, I am a bit worried.  Yes I have other friends.  Tons actually.  But my core group will be MIA.  

If I had a boyfriend this would be the perfect time to shack up in the apartment being all sorts of naughty.  Why?  Well world, I live with my sister.  So what does that mean? Well it means that I typically feel very awkward being even remotely naughty as long as she is in the same zip code.  Why?  Well there is the potential that she will walk in.  Any Minute!  But seeing as I don't have a boyfriend...not even close in fact, I will have wasted what is quite possibly the one and only chance that I will be alone for 4 days in the foreseeable future.  The next year at the very least.  

Honestly I have no idea what in the hell I am going to do with my time, read, crochet, embroider, watch movies, play WoW...maybe go out with some other friends, my parents, who knows.  I'm not very excited about being left behind thats for damn sure.  I may pout for another 30 minutes, thats how not excited I am. Not just a trip to DC out of the equation...but the potential for, you know, other good stuff too.  (I am totally pouting right now)

Well hello rough day,thats where you've been hiding.

Today has Sucked.  Yes with a capitol S, I'm glad you caught that.

I've spent it at home, alone. The day after Thanksgiving.  Fun times.  I haven't been single since I was 13 during the holiday's so it seems that I forgot what it was like.  Ladies and gentlemen it sucks.  I had no one I loved to hug, kiss and wish a Happy Thanksgiving to.  No one to start buying super awesome Christmas presents for.  But the worst thing is.  I don't have a last call of the night.  That person that you talk to until you can't keep your eyes open anymore. The one it pains you to hang up on.  Better yet the one you cuddle into on the sofa while you watch your favorite movie, or into at night while you sleep because its so much colder than expected.  Yup that person.  

Its been good the last few weeks, I haven't felt it.  Today I did.  I logged on to play WoW and was asked by everyone where I'd been.  What happened why hadn't I an the ex-bf  been playing. One of my oldest and closest WoW friends instantly knew something had happened.  He asked, I told him.  It sucked to re-hash it again.  Sucked to talk about it with a friend who knew us both really well, who literally saw our relationship form.  He didn't get it.  Who does.  We chatted for a while, he suggested I switched guilds.  He's in a new one with a lot of my old friends.  He says he thinks it would be best.  I'm thinking about it.  The whole conversation just added to the suck factor of my day.

I need some cheering up stat.  The next month cannot, and I mean CANNOT be as bad as today.

Thanksgiving in all its not so glory

It wasn't that great. My mom is sick, like rotten sick. So she decided last minute, you know what, no Thanksgiving. She ended up instead having lunch at the house and just inviting my grandmother over (my dads mom). I get why she did it, she always gets stuck cooking and what not and being that she didn't feel well she really wasn't up for it. I could tell she felt like poo, she was in pj's the entire time we were there, very unlike my mom on a holiday.

We went over at around 1 and hung out for a couple of hours. The ex-hubby showed up. He wanted to spend some time with my parents and see Bailey. I find it rather strange that post divorce I still end up spending the holiday with him. Whatever. He hung out for almost 2 hours, ended up eating lunch with us and talking crap for a while. There are some days that I am perfectly okay seeing him, yesterday was fine, really, but after he left I wondered, why in the hell does he do it? I went to walk him out and he stood outside talking to me for another 20 minutes. About nonsense. My mom and Vickie say he misses me. Not like, he wants to get back together with me, but he misses my company. Yeah maybe, he lives alone now, it must suck. He was used to having me and Bailey around all the time. But I don't know. Still a bit weird I think.

We ended up leaving around five and going to Teresa's for dinner. Her mom and grandmother are in town and the move is in full swing so dinner was a delicious feast of items purchased at the Honey Baked Ham and Boston Market. I ate way too much, so much so that I didn't even have pumpkin pie.

After we ate, we watched Beowulf. And can I just say, What the hell? I'm not even sure what to think of that movie. I vividly remember the ex-bf telling me it was a good movie. Okay, he didn't like to watch things that were rated R because he felt if he couldn't watch it with a kid in the room then he shouldn't be watching it at all. That movie starts out with cartoons having an orgy in a dining hall. Way to go ex-bf, way to go. It was, as evidenced, not what I expected.

We were home by 10:00, and I logged on and played WoW for a bit. Overall, a very sad little Thanksgiving for me. Not only was it the first one in recorded history that I have been single but it was also not a traditional one for my family. I guess over all it was fine, just missing something.

I hope everyone else's was great and that you all ate like piggies.

A Thanksgiving Message from Vickie

Years ago Vickie and I worked together, as we packed up to leave the office she yelled Happy Thanksgiving to our boss.  She sounded like a complete tool.  

I have loved it for so long that I make her say it to everyone every Thanksgiving since then. Including my blog lovey's.

Enjoy!

Untitled from Jossie Posie on Vimeo.

Renewing

Today my sister and I are renewing the leasing in our lovely little two bedroom apartment.  We've lived here for one year as of December 1.  The difference in my life today from last year is so substantial I could never have guessed this is where I would be.  

When I first told my family I was getting a divorce my sister immediately asked me where I would live.  I lived in an apartment in Downtown with the ex-hubby while the Loft we bought was getting built.  The problem was, I also work in Downtown, and don't drive.  So moving back to my parents house wasn't really an option.  It was also something I wasn't willing to do.  I love them, but I wanted to live on my own.  I'm too old to be under their feet.

So Vickie, instantly offered to move in with me and to do it in Downtown.  She works about 20-30 minutes north of Miami.  For her it wasn't ideal but she was willing to make that sacrifice for me.  I found our place in about 2.5 seconds and we never looked back.  The ex-hubby came with us to look at the apartment and sign the papers, helped me move on move-out day.  I think he was hurt that I had made a plan to leave as quickly as I did.  I didn't want to fester in an already bad situation.  

Our first night here was strange.  Its an old place.  It has its issues.  And bugs.  Seriously.  We wake up daily to earthworms, centipedes and the biggest red ants I have ever seen.  It took getting used to.  But I love it.  It was the first place that I've lived in that I was able to decorate to my taste.  Vickie and I like the same things so it was easy peasy.  When I first moved out of mom and dad's I moved into the ex-hubby's existing man-pad.  Blue leather couch, stark glass and metal furniture.  No headboard on the bed or night tables in the room.  It was a shock to the system.  I was never allowed to decorate.  He didn't want it to be feminine or homey.  It wasn't his style, so I suffered in silence for 4 years in 2 different apartments that never felt like home.  

Living here was the first time I've had a home since I left my parents house.  Partly because a piece of home is here with me, Vickie, and another because it is so obviously stamped with love. Our apartment is warm, adorable and above all lived in.  It will as of today be lived in for at least another year.  I'm really just grateful that my sister is willing to live with my pain in the ass self for another year, because I know I'm not easy.   

A Night at the Castle

I was supposed to spend the day with Teresa instead Gabe, her hubby, came to pick me up at around 4 and we decided to pack a teeny bit and go for dinner and drinks.

We ate super delish Cuban food. I am all about the Cuban food at a restaurant called Habana Vieja, Old Havana, and I had 2 glasses of crap wine, which was really more like 3 with some beyond amazing rice, beans, Vaca Frita (which is my favorite cuban meal ever) and french fries. Yes, french fries. Don't judge!

Afterwards we headed to the castle, after making a liquor store pickup. The night was kind of a blur. I vaguely remember something about a super awesome picture on the stoop, me dancing in the room, laughing my ass off with Teresa and drinking some yumm Stella to top off my evening. All before 11:00pm. Now, I'm home in pj's with my buzz gone.

What, no hangover! Yay! Without further ado, here are the pictures of the castle and some of us eating crap, my lovely new haircut is included for your viewing pleasure.

This little creep-a-roo is in the window of the castle

The side view

The front of the castle, with the tower.

It totally looks like someone's been murdered up there with that red light

Gabriel and Vickie on the stoop

They had to have this picture and Gabe had to pour one out for his homies

Dancing to the Jonas Brother with Teresa

Gabriel, being sexy

Sillytime with Teresa

Oh Stella, my love

Ladies and gentlemen the haircut in full glory

Honest to god we are beer snobs, why we bought a Mickey's, I have no idea

Love <3

Dance, Teresa, Dance!

A History

My parents are the parents everyone wish they had growing up. The parents who had such faith in their kids that they allowed us to make our own mistakes, learn from them and decide what to do next.

My mom and dad

They met in high school. My mother one of 7 siblings, the only girl, grew up in a house filled with testosterone. So to say she is totally awesome and one of the guys is not doing it justice. My uncles were a huge pain in her ass but she loved them, my dad was best friends with my uncles.

My grandparents, mom and her brothers

He was 2 years younger than my mom. My dad has one sister, 10 years younger than him so the majority of his formative years were spent in my grandparents house eating shit with my uncles. My grandparents house was the place to be. They started dating after high school. My mom was the one who asked him out. Forward of her, considering the era. Despite her being seriously gorgeous she had never really had a boyfriend. She had her eye on my dad. He was a goner once she did. They dated for 8 years. It wasn't always easy for them. My dads mom was very strict and she didn't really like my mom. It took her years to finally see that my mom was the best thing to happen to him. My dads home life wasn't as harmonious as my moms. But he had her, so it balanced out. My grandparents always treated him like a son, it was a haven for him of sorts.

The night they got engaged

My dad proposed to my mom 3 times before she said yes, I have no idea why, she likes to be difficult I guess. She finally said yes on New Years. They were married in August in a no frills wedding ceremony. My mother was stunning with the simplest wedding dress I have ever seen. My dad appropriately garbed in 70's gear.

My mom says she hates the way she looked on her wedding day. I love it. For them it wasn't about the ceremony, the tradition, the dress, the cake, it was about finally being married. They honeymooned in a low key Florida beach. They smoked pot the entire week. They were hippies.

Two years later my sister was born. A year and a half after that, I was born. My mom had prayed for girls. Two girls, so she could have best friends. She had had her fill of boys. She got her wish. We lived in a one bedroom apartment for the first 5 years of my life. Its a vague memory but a happy one. We never had a lot of money, they still don't, it didn't matter. My parents are more in love now than they were when they got married, it makes for a happy home environment.

My mom just got home from the hospital with me,

I'm the bean in her arms, my sister was beyond excited, obviously

They raised us with discipline but allowing us to make our own decisions. My dad was the disciplinarian. I got spanked regularly, I was mouthy. Just like him. I am not just the physical spitting image of my dad but also personality wise. My sister, is my moms mirror. Somehow my sister and I also manage to look alike. Weird how that happens.

Dad and his girls

We grew up treating our parents as friends. We told them everything. My first boyfriend, kiss, the first time I had sex. My parents taught us how to hold our liquor when I was 14. We sat in the backyard with them and they let us get drunk so we could know our limits. They didn't want us to get taken advantage of. Our friends flocked to them for dating advice, parental advice, anything. Especially my mom, she's a mom to the core. When a vast majority of my sisters friends came out of the closest after high school my parents embraced them. My dad dubbed them the "flock" and treats them as if they are his kids. The same with their boyfriends.

Vickie and me, when she was still taller than me ;-)

They never lied to us about their history. They told us they had sex before they were married, showed us the hotel they would go to. Told us their drug history in detail. Gave us permission to experiment, preferred that we did it at home so as to be safe. They did not want to be the hypocritical parents that lie about their history to scare their kids into being perfect.

As a result they have two grown daughters that respect them beyond words. My favorite place in the world is my parents living room. Its a haven. They love each other beyond words, love us and accept us, our friends, boyfriends, decisions with out a doubt. Even when we make bad ones. They are just their to pick up the pieces. We know how lucky we are. They are the epitome of role models and the best ones I've ever had. I hope one day to have 1/10th of the happiness they have had in their 30 years (and counting) of marriage.

Four years ago on Halloween, just as dorky and in love as ever

Its a freaking castle!

"It" is referring to the new house where my best friend Teresa and her hubby are moving to. Oh yes you read correctly. Not only does it have its very own tower but it is made entirely out of coral. CORAL! The house is beyond awesome. She has been showing us pictures and talking to us about it for months but tonight was the first time that we actually got to see it.

Yes, it is totally creepy, like total Santeria creepy. (Summary: Santeria is Vodoo mixed with Catholicism, basically the worshipping of Saints, very big in Miami, totally scares the shit out of me) But at the same time totally awesome. Teresa has recruited Vickie and I to help her decorate the castle and can I just say how ridiculously dorked out I am about the whole thing. A) Project! B)It has a tower! Like full on "Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair tower" Oh the possibilities! We are hoping to have it set up as soon as humanly possible because they are having a huge New Years bash and we'd all like the castle to be presentable. (I am never going to stop calling it that, until they name it, which will of course be ridiculous)

It is also in the kitschiest neighborhood in Miami, Little Havana. Not only is Little Havana where all the Cubans first settled when they came from Cuba it is also the Latin heart of Miami. Calle 8 happens there every year and you can totally get the most ridiculously delish Cuban meal for like $5.00. They live a block away from Versailles, I know for most of you that means squat, but for a Miami native, it is pure heaven. Seriously, across the street from their castle is a restaurant that sells you a bistec empanizado (breaded steak) white rice, black beans, maduros (fried plantains) and a drink for $4.50. What, awesome!

This is the best picture I could find, but seriously it doesn't do it justice.

This my friends is the reason why I am beyond blessed to be Cuban. The food is to die for.

Initially, I wasn't so excited about this move. It felt like we had just finally finished setting up their house but once I saw the castle, I fell in love. Because seriously, who the hell wouldn't want to live in a freaking castle.

I don't have pictures yet but I should be going tomorrow and I'll take some to share. Oh the house is like 5 years away from being a Historic Miami landmark. So awesome, there are no words.

P.S.

This post is linktastic, you totally get a mini Miami/Cuban history if you're interested. See, a little bit of nonsense and a little bit about my culture. Win-Win.

This is why I don't date

Because I am a complete moron when it comes to this crap. At dinner last night with Teresa, she mentioned that she would be going to see Twilight for the second time tonight with David and Carlos two of our lovely boys. And I really want to go. Yes, I've seen it twice already, but that isn't the point.

The problem however is that I had told The Teacher that I would hang out with him today. I kind of blew him off this Sunday and he called me out on it. Yes, I was exhausted. Yes, I didn't want to go anywhere and I was mopey. But I also didn't call him to tell him, I just let it hang in the air. Lame I know. So when we chatted late Sunday night he said we needed to hang out this week. I needed to make it happen. So I told him Tuesday, because I had plans last night.

Its not that I don't want to hang out with him. He's a nice guy. (its sad how often I use he's a nice guy as my go to to describe him) But I don't want it to be a date...and somehow I know it will kind of end up like that. The last time we hung out an old friend apparently saw us and when she mentioned it to me she said "I saw you last night at the Hard Rock but I didn't want to interrupt because I could tell you were on a date." I wanted to yell, no I wasn't! But it seems like if a single guy hangs out with a single girl alone thats the impression. Date. It shouldn't bother me that people confuse it as a date. Teresa has been giving me non-stop shit about hanging out with him. Every time I mention him, she gives me the stink eye and tells me "Still? Really? What the hell Jossie." Even David gave me crap about it last week.

The Teacher knows I don't want to date him. We've had that talk, but somehow a date is where it ends up.

Ahh, what to do, what to do.

The effects of wine and sushi

I just came back from dinner with my sister Vickie, my mom, Teresa, Gabriel, Teresa's mom and grandmother. Whenever her mom and grandmother come into town we go out and have Sushi. A Tradition if you will.

We enjoyed a delicious sushi dinner, where I had a glass of red wine. One glass. The meal progressively got sillier and by the time we left, the restaurant was playing a pan flute version of "I Swear". No joke. During the course of the meal Teresa informed the table that she loves music by pan flute. Random, but okay. So upon exciting I serenaded her. This is where it begins.

When Vickie and I get in the car, I officially lose my shit. My iPhone was providing the music which basically means its a damn grab bag. It can be something great or something super lame. We pull out and my mother is following in the car behind us. Amy Grant's, "Good For Me" comes on and I go for it. Not only do I start serenading my sister but I am fully busting out dance moves that I didn't even know existed as I sit in the passenger seat. My mother calls me wondering if I'm okay because from behind it looks like I've lost my mind. It doesn't deter me. I break it down even more. My sister was in awe. She didn't know I had it in me to be this cheesy. Not only am I singing and dancing, but I know ALL the words. Thats right. All of them. Whatever, I'm not even embarrassed . When I was 11, that was my jam! She is determined to take me to a karaoke bar that has this song on their repertoire so I can show the world my skills.

If you don't have this cd, go get it right now. Its awesome!

(I'm not even remotely kidding)

I tone it down for the majority of the ride and then as we pull onto the street that leads to our block I pull out the big guns. "This is Me" from the Camp Rock soundtrack (because apparently I'm 13), I crank the radio to 50 and serenade the shit out of my sister. She literally looks like she's about to puke. The song (and my singing) comes to a climatic end just as she parks. Perfect! You know what that was, kismet.

Oh Teacher...a tale of high school intrigue

I've debated whether or not to post this, its kind of a secret but not really. Its one of those experiences that kind of shapes the person you end up being. At the time I was so naive I didn't realize the significance of it all, now I don't even know what to think.

I am a public school kid. Always have been. I went to high school in a 2 year old public school. State of the art, HUGE, it was a great place to go to school. Honestly, I loved my high school. I was the epitome of Ms. High School. Student Government, Class Officer, Diamond Girl, Dance line, Admin Office assistant, AP Student, President of S.A.D.D. No joke, Ms. High School. I was involved in a crap ton of extra curriculars. So much so that my parents didn't allow me to work until college. I didn't have time between school work, extra stuff and my boyfriend.

I was also very friendly with my teachers. Some I even considered friends. One more so than the rest. He was young, 26 at the time, lets call him Mr. R.. I was a junior. One of my closest friends at the time J and I formed a really close relationship with him. He was engaged to a very nice girl. Had been for like 5 years. During the school year we would get our lunch and eat in his class with him, this was the routine for the majority of junior and all of senior year. By senior year his class had become a cool place to have lunch, a bunch of kids joined us.

I dated the same guy HSbf for most of my junior year all the way through my second year in college. He was great and got along really well with Mr. R. In the middle of our junior year, the Super Bowl came to Miami and Mr. R's fiance worked at the stadium. He helped organize a group of us to work there so we could get some extra money. We had to go to the stadium at some ridiculous hour like 4:30 am in order to get ready. We worked 2 weekends leading up to the big game. Everyday that we worked Mr. R. would come to my house and pick me up. He would hang out in my room while I went about my business getting ready, then we would go and pick up J. It was for me, totally innocent. My parents were cool with it, because they know their daughter and they knew that I would never allow anything weird and further more would never do anything to jeopardize my relationship with HSbf who for lack of a better word was pure perfection.

But apparently it wasn't innocent for everyone involved. I really had no idea at the time, even when things started to get really stressful at school that something was going on with Mr. R and J. We hung out often, not just us with him, but him with a larger group of us as well. He wasn't jus a teacher to us he was a friend. In the beginning of our senior year he told me he had split from his fiance. He cried as he told me the story and I tried to console him through it all. As the year progressed my friend J, moved out of her parents house and said she moved in with a friend. Administration eventually started to ask us about it. It was awkward because I was so involved and new the vice principals well. They candidly asked me if anything was going on with me and him. I said no. It really wasn't. They asked me if anything was going on with him and her. I said it wasn't. They took my word as all that was needed to not look into it further. For the rest of the year the rumor of what was going with the three of us was around. I was asked constantly by friends and other teachers what exactly was going on. I got into an argument with another teacher about this, defending them.

Mr. R pulled me out of his class one day in the middle of the period and talked to me in the hallway about the whole situation told me straight out that nothing was going on and cried when he told me he would never do anything that would get me or J in any sort of trouble. He loved us and we were special and he wouldn't jeopardize that. Regardless of his words, I started to feel something was going on and slowly started to pull away. At this point HSbf, was really skeptical and asked me to stay away, something was going on and he didn't want me involved in it. I defended J to my last damn breath we were surgically attached at the time and could not believe she would lie to me about this.

After graduation we had all planned a trip to my uncles house in the Keys. About 8 of us including J. We were getting ready to go when I get a call from her saying she couldn't go. I had no idea why but accepted it at face value. When we got back a week later I figured it out. I was having dinner with HSbf at the restaurant where J worked at and I see Mr. R's truck pull in the lot. How did I know it was his? He had bought it a few months earlier and it was purple (J's favorite color.) I watched him walk in, see her, kiss her, grab her hand and walk back out to the car. I almost threw up. HSbf was furious. He knew what I had done to protect them. Because I believed that they were telling me the truth. They had been lying to me for over a year. When she moved out, she moved in with him not with a friend. Every time I asked them about it they both flat out lied to me. Despite the fact that they used me as their alibi. How could anything be going on? Jossie was always with them? It was the three of them, not just J and Mr. R.

I've heard from mutual friends that they eventually got engaged and broke it off shortly after. I never spoke to either one of them again. They both called to try to explain themselves to me. I didn't want to hear it HSbf talked to them instead. I've always wondered what would have happened had I allowed myself to talk to them when they called. Would I have fallen for their stories again? Would I have understood them, been okay with it?

It may seem silly but I've never felt more betrayed than I did in that situation. Years later, despite having been cheated on a dozen times, that is still the one that stings the most. I think it was because I put myself on the line repeatedly to protect them...and they let me do it, knowing I was protecting a lie.

I have some explaining to do

So my best friend Teresa found my secret. Yup. Fun times. She is now the third person who has. Marisol and Nikki were great about it. I knew they would be, I knew I could have told them about it. But with Teresa and my sister I wasn't so sure. Not because they would be judgmental, I knew they wouldn't be, it just wasn't something I was proud of. I'm still not proud of it

Teresa was out of town this weekend but send me the following message:
"I have so much to say. Maybe we can have lunch next week or something."

I told her to pick a day, I'll make myself available. She's off this week from work and I only work today and tomorrow. Her family is in town though and I know we will have a crazy week. We have dinner tonight with them and then a busy schedule because of the holiday.

Honestly, I don't mind talking about it now, I realize I should have ages ago. Its just one of those things, you know, you choose not to discuss it for whatever reason and are more comfortable keeping it like that. I guess its time to explain it all, officially have it out.

I can practically smell the snow...oh how I wish.

Vickie finally got home and we decorated the house.  She was not a team player and refused to drink hot chocolate while we decorated.  So I drank it alone.  How sad!  The second I moved in with the ex-hubby I started the tradition of decorating at night with a cup of hot chocolate.  He was always a good sport about it, he may have thought that I was a complete dork, but he never complained.  Vickie however, hates me :-(

I can't be too bitter because she did decorate, even though she spent the majority of it on the phone, a forgivable offense since she had been seriously neglecting a friend and needed to talk to her. (I love you T-Kat!)

So in summary I decorated with my sister who spent 75% of the time talking on the phone, drank hot chocolate by myself and may have been told that we had too many decorations and it looked like moms house.  

I need a boyfriend stat!  They put up with my Christmas nonsense, why?  Because I'm adorable.

Linus and his blankie, their adorable snowman friend 

and of course Charlie Brown.  

They reside on our super adorable fake fireplace

The stockings on our bookshelves, sadly they don't fit on the fireplace

Vickie = Penguin

Bailey = Reindeer

Jossie = Santa (how did I end up as the fat guy, no idea!)

Our Nativities, the big one was a gift from my parents when I got married, it was their first Nativity, the other two are Vickie's she's starting a collection.  She's all about religious kitsch.

Vickie thinks the sparkley's in the curtains are a bit much, I think they totally are and thats why I LOVE them! 

The living room, Bailey's little face is napping in the corner.  It looks kind of bare at the moment because the other coffee table is currently being used as my desk.  

Adorable tiny Christmas tree pillow, how I love thee.

The wreath hangs on the inside, why, cause our neighbors are ghetto.  No joke.

World, meet Feathers.  

He guards our salt and pepper shakers and is pure glittery fabulousness

Tada!!! The tree and fireplace.  

If you can tell me what that little lamp is from, I will seriously love you forever.  No cheating.

That is the basic gist of it, there's more.  I'm not even gonna lie.  We grew up in a house that had a Christmas shower curtain (you know the one, Santa showering, yup) and a Santa toilet cover, toothbrushes.  The whole to do.  So yes there are decorations in every room and I mean every. But we tone it down a bit.  And I am definitely nice enough not to subject you to a picture of each and every decoration.  They are all as adorable as the ones you've just seen.

Now go and make your houses fabulous for Christmas.  

Notes on a poopey Sunday

Today hasn't been that great of a day. I'm sure it has to do a lot with the fact that I have spent the majority of it alone and cleaning, which lets face it, no one likes to do. But I don't know, there's something else too.

Teresa's family came in to town today and she had to get the house ready for them so we couldn't hang out, Vickie went to spend the day with her godson...so I'm stuck here alone.

The thing is, I don't even have to be. The Teacher called me on Friday night to go out. I couldn't go, so told him we'd go out today. But I can't bring myself to call him. I'm not up for it. I don't want to get dressed up right now, I'm exhausted. I spent the entire day cleaning and I'm drained. I wouldn't mind hanging out, but I have no energy to. At this point, I haven't seen him in over two weeks. I haven't even written about him since that first date. Even though I talk to him often enough and have seen him a couple of times. Isn't that in and of itself kind of strange? Shouldn't I be excited to see him?

I ended up eating the most random dinner, so much so, that I refuse to re-hash it for fear that I will make myself sick. I keep thinking about things that I shouldn't be thinking of. Wishing I was anywhere but here, but lacking the energy to go somewhere.

Where does that leave me? Totally mopey.

I just want Vickie to get home already so we can decorate the house for Christmas. I'm really hoping that that will break me out of my funk.

Chatting with my cousin

I'm in the middle of cleaning the apartment (its taking me all day, because I am dead set on decorating for Christmas tonight) and I get a phone call.  The caller id says its my aunt who lives in Georgia, but I know that it'll be my cousin Marissa.  Rissy, as we call her is 9, and for her birthday this year I was the worlds best cousin and sent her Twilight and a gift card so she could buy the rest of the books.

She calls me whenever there is anything Twilight related going on with her.  So I figured a call today meant they took her to see the movie.  I answered the phone and she is super adorable and excited on the other end.

"Hi aunt Jossie!"  (she always calls me aunt Jossie, even though she is my aunts daughter, its the age difference that gets her confused)

"We just saw Twilight, like right now, we're walking out." 

"Did you like it?"

"It was great!"

"How about mom?"

I hear her asking my aunt "Yeah, she said she really liked it too. The previews took way too long though, who cares about the previews, I wanted the movie to start, so did mom."

"Did you get excited when you saw the Cullens for the first time?"

"Yeah, they were really great."

"How about Edward?"

"DUH! aunt Jossie."

I just got served by a 9 year old.

P.S.

I realize it is slightly sad that I share my Twilight obsession with my 9 year old cousin. Whatever.  We are also equally obsessed with Harry Potter for the record.  We are obviously related.

The other BFF

I've had several best friends in my life. Depending on the school, mood, boyfriend. You know how friendships are when you are growing up. The one constant has always been Angelica.

We met in the second grade, when my parents moved and I started at a new school. I walked in the first day and immediately joined her group of friends. I like to mess with her and tell her how she used to bully me when we were little, she was much bigger than me, I was maybe 35lbs soaking wet. Seriously I was tiny. Angie was an only child and used to being in charge. I didn't mind. We became inseparable. At the end of my 3rd grade year my parents decided to move again and in doing so would make me change schools again. I was devastated. It wouldn't last long.

Angie's parents had bought a new house, and guess what it was 2 blocks away from mine. YAY! I would be relocating with my best friend. It took all the pressure off. We would finish elementary school, middle and eventually high school together. Always within 2 blocks from each other. Christmas mornings I would walk over and open presents with her and her family, have dinner at her house, parties... basically it was a second house for me. Her parents are awesome, her dad was an amazing cook and I loved going over for dinner.

When we graduated we drifted apart a little but despite changing cities, boyfriends, marriages, divorces, babies. She's my constant. We can spend weeks without speaking when we do its like we never stopped. I can call her when I need to talk, want to get over a break up and pig out on Ben and Jerry's (or she'll come over with super delish brownies covered in fudge - she really loves me!)

Her husband, Juan, is awesome. A perfect compliment to her and sadly for him, he has to befriend whatever man is in my life. He does a great job at it. I was her maid of honor at her wedding and cried more than I did at my own.

She told me she was pregnant a week after we picked the bridesmaids dresses for my wedding. By the time my wedding came around she was 8 1/2 months pregnant. She looked beautiful, she refused to sit it out despite the fact that she was about to pop. I told her as I was leaving for my honeymoon to hold him in, I wanted to be in town when she had the baby, she did. He was born 3 weeks after I got back. He is amazing. A perfect blend of her and her husband.

Sammy, I caught him picking his nose

Sammy is the perfect man. I'm sure it has to do a lot with the fact that he's 2 1/2 and a lot to do with the fact that he reminds me of my best friend. He is adorable, spunky, smart, tons of personality. I love him to death. He gets tired of me and my camera in his face all the time. I can't help it.

Sammy and Angie

Today I got to spend some time with her. We watched Twilight with my mom, sister, Lisette and Zoey. Angie had already seen it, so had I, but we're big dorks. I always love getting to spend time with her no matter how little it is. Even though I don't see her as much as I see Teresa, I get that she has a lot of responsibility: mom, wife, teacher. She has a full plate. I'm just happy that she always manages to leave a little extra space for me. And some Bovinity Divinity of course ;-)

Hmmm...

I got a haircut.  I am not thrilled with it, I think I would rather pay more money and go back to my beloved stylist even though he also cuts the ex-hubby's hair.  In fact the ex-hubby called me today while at said stylists.

I was a tad jealous, because I knew his hair was getting loved up properly.  

Things that make me smile

• Waking up to my dogs paws around my neck and kisses on my face
• A cup of warm milk with vanilla and sugar made by my mom
• Vegging out on Ben and Jerry's with my best friend Angie
• Laying in the grass at the park on the bay: water+ sun+ breeze = perfect
• Decorating the christmas tree at my parents house with all our childhood ornaments
• Freshly baked cookies
• Capturing the perfect moment on my camera
• Finding the perfect present for someone I love
• Dancing with my dad, mom and sister in the living room like we did when we were growing up
• Sitting on the sofa on a cold winter night with a cup of hot chocolate, snuggling with someone I love and a blanket
• Hearing my best friends son Sammy, laughing
• Hugging my grandmother
• Crawling in bed with my sister on Saturday mornings
• My spot on Teresa's sofa
• Sitting in my parents backyard, reading a book with the sun on my skin
• Finding the perfect song to match my mood

Vampire Dating...how perfect are those two words together?

Yesterday was technically my Friday. Even though I will be working from home today, conference calls and what not, just the simple fact that I am able to do it from my bedroom in my pj's makes it okay.

Even though I was excited that I wouldn't have to work today, I was drained. Mentally, physically. Work was rough, I had a deadline that needed to be met and by the end of the day it had taken its toll on me. I am not the cave under pressure type at the office, in fact I was told during my review a couple of weeks ago that I seem to just float through my day completely calm and nonchalant about it all. Even when the pressure starts building. Its true. Its not in my nature to make a mountain out of a mole-hill. Yesterday, despite feeling like I wasn't going to get it done, I didn't flip out, I didn't implode. I just got it done, was I a little short if you came into my office to chat, absolutely, I was focused, and you would be an interruption.

Needless to say I was exhausted when I got home. But I had a date with a vampire and my friend Nikki so I had to rally. It would turn out, that I would end up having another date of sorts. My pre-vampire date. It was nice, made me forget the day I had just had. Comfortable, fun, serious at times...not only was it completely unexpected but I got to enjoy it while in my pj's. Win-win all around :-)

Around 9ish I had to start getting ready for my second "date" of the evening. Nikki picked me up, late as usual, its her thing and we headed to the theater. Nikki and I have been friends for over a year now. I originally met her when I hired her as one of my events managers, but I knew of her because we had mutual friends. Nikki and I, to put it mildly, were an instant love match. We hit it off instantly and became attached at the hip. We bonded over our love of food, nonsense, HP and Twilight. Although I would say I am a pretty serious person, when I get silly I get really silly. Nikki tends to bring the silly out in me, because she is insanely silly herself. We started taking mini field trips, that we dubbed "Explore Florida Days". The everglades, Parrot Jungle Island, Monkey Jungle, Fruit and Spice Park. Utter nonsense when you've lived in the same state your entire life and have been to them all a few times, but we were in essence reliving bits of our childhood. We had tons of fun. The pictures I have don't do them justice.

Nikki and me all dolled up for a friends birthday outing, September 07

This photo of her is prominently displayed in my office...because it is just so her.

Parrot Jungle Island

Nikki at Monkey Jungle when we illegally touched baby monkey fingers

Nick and Nikki at Fruit and Spice Park, I love this picture of them

We kind of drifted apart for a while. She switched departments and things got very hectic in both of our lives. So last night for us, was a reunion of sorts. It was the first time we've hung out in over 5 months. We got to sit and talk for an hour in the theater while we waited for the movie to start. I've always found that Nikki was one of the easiest people to talk to. She reads my blog regularly (shes the crazy one that leaves all the anonymous comments) so we talked about that, the ex-bf, who we actually met together playing WoW, dating and whatever nonsense we could think about. It was really great.

Then the movie started. We saw it with a theater filled with pre-pubescent girls that oohed and aahed every two seconds. We really liked the movie. It was better than we expected it to be and was true to the book. (Janet, don't go all crazy about how much you hated it, lol) I'm going again tomorrow and taking my mom who is chomping at the bit to see it. Hopefully by then it will be a little less filled with teenage girls, so I can really enjoy it.

Overall what started out as a shit day ended really well. I can't complain.

See someone does love me!

I just got the following text message from Teresa:

"I just spent all day reading your blog on my phone. I wanna give you a big hug right now. I laughed, I cried, it was very helpful in getting through the ride."

For the record, she may just be delirious because she is stuck in a car with her husband and their dog on their way to Pensacola (which is somewhere in the northern part of Florida for those non-Floridians who are reading).

I like to think, she just loves me.

The things I wish I would have said

I've realized something...when you date someone you make concessions. They prefer that you don't drink so you don't. They live far away and you rarely get to see each other so you spend your nights in talking to them rather than living your life so you feel like you are actually in a relationship. You start learning about the things that interest them, make a real effort to actually.

I guess my point to all this is that once the relationship is over its natural to rebel.

They didn't like you to drink, well even though I am not a big drinker by any means, now Ifeel the need to get drunk every night for a solid week. Just to stick it to them.

You never went out, lo and behold it seems as if I haven't seen my house in days. I always seems to be busy these days.

I think its only natural, once you've been hurt. Even though deep down you probably knew they weren't the right person for you. Too closed minded, too narrow thinking, very unforgiving. It still hurt when they left...hurts even more to know that your behavior now upsets them and they think less of you because of it. Part of the reason I no longer speak to him is because of my way of coping with the break-up. I'm not bitter about it, they are my choices, but those words he wrote to me a few Saturday's ago, I'll carry with me for a very long time "I never thought I'd see the day when I would say that you disgusted me, but today you do."

Wam! That was definitely a zinger.

But you know what, I'm not perfect. I shouldn't be expected to be. And for the record neither are you. Far from it. Since I stopped speaking to him I've realized a few things. I got off easy. Its one thing to have expectations in a relationship, its another thing entirely to make them completely impossible to fulfill. And thats his specialty, finding defects and faults in everyone but himself.

I've never met anyone who had so many rules. A rule for everything, drinking, sleeping, dating, eating, praying...everything. I think I should have realized that we couldn't work that day he told me we could no longer sleep in the same house because it would give a bad impression to the world, it would make it seem as if we were having sex even though we weren't.

My exact words to him that day, "I'm okay with that, I don't give a shit what the world thinks, I know I'm not sleeping with you." But he did care. So things had to change, they would never be the same after that day. He chose what he thought others would want over me. And that is not okay. I made a lot of concessions for him...this one, was the only thing I ever asked him to do for me, it was ridiculous to me that I couldn't sleep in the same house as my grown ass boyfriend. He wouldn't do it. His morals wouldn't allow it. His morals are also what officially split us up in July. Thank you morals! The weight of being the perfect person in your eyes was too much, my weak shoulders were caving under it.

Someone told me yesterday that after a failed marriage you tend to find the exact opposite of your ex-husband. Yes, I definitely did. I don't want someone like my ex-hubby, or like my ex-bf next. Neither one of them was right for me...one too hurtful, degrading the other too perfect, judgmental.

I want someone who makes me happy, laugh, glow because I'm so in love and understands that its okay to have fun, drink, party, sleep together...and most importantly knows I'm not perfect and will occasionally fuck up.

Cast of Characters

I never really put much thought into it when I started writing my blog, I just kind of jumped in and got my feet wet. As I was reading over some really old posts (September, seriously I've only been blogging for about 3 months, crazy!) I realized that there seems to be some recurring characters. I've never told you much about them and even though I've written 50 words on almost all of them in my x365 I need to give them a proper bit of the limelight here. After all, they do deserve some recognition for putting up with my crazy ass.

Vickie - The sister, we live together. One of my best friends even though she is also a GIANT pain in my ass. She reads my blog daily, you have never seen her comments though, she's a lurker. Vickie, you suck! She works at a radio station and is super adorable largely aided by my insane accessory collection that she mooches off of daily.

Teresa - The bff, originally my sisters best friend. I grew up being a complete pain in the ass to all of my sisters friends so they hated me for years. Seriously, they have stories about what a pain I was. A few years ago according to them I had a massive personality transplant and became awesome. The bff is a direct result of said transplant. She is now shared equally between my sis and me. She is a lawyer (fancy, I know) who is obsessed with books as much as I am and is the only person I know who will have a full out pigfest with me and only feel mildly guilty about it.

Gabriel - Teresa's husband. The biggest pain in the ass I have ever met! He is in every sense of the word my nemesis. He refers to me as his Padawan now because he is teaching me how to drive. Surprisingly, he's a good teacher. Teresa and Gabriel have been together since they were 16, they are a sickeningly perfect couple and are quickly turning into my parents. Gabriel is also a lawyer and my mother says he looks like Simon Birch, but in big.

Bailey - My dog and the love of my life. She was a gift from my ex-hubby. She is a mutant yorkie/shih-tzu mix. Extremely puppyish even though she is now 5. Spoiled beyond imagining. She sleeps and poops for a living. Oh and cuddles.

Mary - Met Mary through Teresa, they went to school together. We bonded over our love of crappy novels and Battlestar Galactica. She lives about an hour away and spends way more time with us than she does at her house. We've tried to convince her to move her ass down here already. Mary is also a lawywer. Obviously, we hang out with a lot of lawyers. She can also drink most of us under the table.

Sorry, no pictures left of him. There is one on this post.

The Ex-bf - He lives in Alabama, is extremely Christian, Conservative and damn good looking! We met playing World of Warcraft and started dating a month after my separation from the ex-hubby. We had a long distance relationship for about 9 months. We broke up in July. He is no longer in the picture...at all. And surprisingly, I am really really happy about this.

The Ex-hubby - He is an ass. No, I'm just kidding. A computer genius who knows it, hence making him the cockiest bastard you will ever meet, something I apparently once found irresistable. We have managed to stay civil despite all the bad blood in our marriage. We talk via e-mail about once a week, he visits the dog and my parents, oh and I work with his mom. Fun times.

Marisol - Not only is Marisol an amazing friend, like hardcore amazing, but she is also a great co-worker. We met at the office and now work together in the events department, its strange, technically I am her boss but I have rarely if ever pulled out that card with her because she is that awesome. Seriously. We have been friends for about 4 years, she gets the brunt of the drama going on in my life. The tearful weeks following the break up with the ex-bf, the divorce drama and to top it all off she drives me to and from work everyday. She must love me, because I am a HUGE pain in her ass. She is also a mommy, to the cutest little old man on the planet.

Carlos and Eugene - One of our fabulously gay duos. Seriously our group is chock-full of them. We met Eugene many moons ago, long story, suffice it to say we lost touch for a few years and reconnected about a year ago amidst rainbows, violins and fairies sprinkling gum drops down on us. It was fabulous. He is a lawyer (yes another one). He is living with the lovely Carlos. Whom we love, beyond words. He has the best t-shirt collection on the planet. Sadly, I have no idea what Carlos does, but I know he just got his own office, What! Awesome.

Zoey and Lissette - We met them through Eugene and Carlos (they live across the street from eachother). I can honestly say we've spent more time in that house in the last month than anywhere else. The perfect hostesses they throw a heck of a good party. Zoey works in a non-profit like moi and Lissette, well she works at a lawyers office. These pesky lawyers, just won't go away.

Janet - I have known Janet for longer than I would like to admit. She and I go way back to a time when she stole my boyfriend, I may or may not have given her a thumbs down and 2 days later we were attached at the hip again. We haven't actually breathed the same air in over 13 years, but we've managed to keep in touch via the internet. She is an awesome friend and one you always want to have around. Also a mom-extraordinaire to 2 seriously adorable kids.

Gordie - Teresa and Gabriel's dog. He is a perfect blend of both his parents anxious like T and crotchety like Gabe. Even though he hates my Bailey he loves me so I always get suckered into some kisses and letting him snuggle in my ass. His job is to whine...for no apparent reason. (here he is with Carlos, whining it up)

These are the names mentioned thus far, I'm sure there is more but really I can only be so witty at one time. I was going to attach pictures so you knew exactly who was who, but I got lazy. And then my sister suckered me into doing it because how were you guys going to know who was who. There's more characters over at my 365 including the actual 50 words for the ex's, all of them, not just the two mentioned here but I didn't link, because, well it says their names, and I'm not that mean. Feel free to go snoop, I'm sure you can figure out which is which.

Bad Little Blogger

I know, I know I've been neglectful. I've had the day from hell and have about 45 thousand blogs to catch up with in my reader.

Blog Secret yesterday was insane. I'm glad I participated and feel like I got something off my chest that was weighing on me for a while. Nilsa was a doll for organizing it, even when it got insanely hectic. Thanks to all of you for being so great with our guest posters secret. I'm sure she felt the love.

Today is 20sb Blog Swap day. I'm over at Emrld's little bit of internet today. So go pay her a visit and show me some love. Its been a crazy week thus far and it looks like its going to get even crazier.

Emrlds Takes Over

hey all! this is emrlds and welcome to blogger swap 3! while jossie posie is hanging out in my neighborhood,http://emrlds.wordpress.com, i'm here for your entertainment. exciting, right? yup, you're thrilled. i can tell. 
*e

blogging in november is tough. nablopomo is pretty much more stressful then my job and really, i have a tough job. so obviously another concern - what to write for a blog swap?? seriously, i spent a good hour just looking at my computer thinking this little post would write itself. so while thinking about my indecision, i figured we could discuss my serious issue. i can't pick things. i cannot make a decision. i guess i can blame it on the stars - literally. i'm a libra. we don't make decisions. we weigh things out and contemplate. do you know how much i hate when people can't make decisions? it kills me!

yet i've made some fairly large decisions in my life. i have two tattoos. i looked at photos of these tattoos on my bathroom mirror for weeks. contemplating what i wanted, how it should look, the size of it. and what did i do? i made a split decision the day of. my first tat was on my ankle - my zodiac sign. (clever, right?) but, i am as libra as you can get, so it was suiting. that bad boy sits on my ankle and torments me every time i can't make a decision. the other, a butterfly. i know, you're thinking i'm a crazy girl but there was a history with that one. a story for another time, but i will have you know i had a plan for that tattoo. she would be small and the colors? totally picked out in my head. um, she's the size of my palm (not my fingers, just the palm) and the colors? totally not my decision. but i love her and she's beautiful. i know, i'm insane.

i left one day to go to the mall with my friend. i had a pierced nose when i came home. one day i left home to go to a red sox game while i was on my summer break after freshman year. a month later i was accepted to a university in boston because i 'thought it looked pretty'. really? i guess i go from zero to sixty with all decisions. sometimes i can sit there thinking and thinking for hours. sometimes i just pick up and go. i move every two years. it's like a sickness. i get bored. kitten probably hates me for it, but somehow she survives. if i could, i would probably get a manicure every week. having the same color on my nails bores me. (not to mention the disaster of chipping!) 

anyone who reads my blog knows i'm a bit obsessed with music. i could listen to an album over and over for a day or two and then i'm done. i make a playlist for every thing  do. in my itunes there is one for every month, season, feeling. i'm pretty sure i'll have them for each day of the week soon. (there is a morning and a sleepy playlist, don't you worry!).

the moral of this blog? um, quite possibly that i am crazy. or possibly that i ramble when i can't make a decision. about nothing. now remind me why i signed up for this again? i'm going to go be an adult and have a glass of wine....while watching gossip girl. happy blog swap day, friends! xo

Someone up there loves me

Dear Higher Power,

I would like to thank you for loving me enough to allow me to eat like a large male horse and not put on a thousand pounds. Today I have eaten my body weight in nonsense and I'm hoping you will stick to this unspoken deal we have of not making me pay for it with inches around my hips. I understand that this deal will not stand the test of time and therefore I promise you today will be the absolute last day I eat:

• A ziplock bag filled with cereal
• 2 cups of coffee
• 2 servings of organic mac-n-cheese
• a banana
• a strawberry banana yogurt
• a bag of 100 calorie cheez-its
• a bag of 100 calorie chocolate grasshoppers
• 2 Cookie's n Creme Hershey's bars
• a bag of cheddar and sour cream potato chips
• A Nestea iced tea
  

Not to mention the gnocchi in Bolognese sauce my bff is making me for dinner tonight. I will be a good little girl moving forward. I promise.

Love,
Me

The serets heard round the world

Today has been an interesting day thus far. The Blog Secret posts have been all the rage. Some are happy, funny, sad, some even a tad weird.

I am sure that getting it out there for most people was a big deal. It was for me. I knew that even though I tried to change the tone of my e-mail some people, the ones who really knew me would be able to tell that it was me.

I was right.

One of my closest friends, who also blogs, found it. She was awesome about it. I guess my "voice" is clearer to the people who know me well despite there being some 70 odd other bloggers participating. I wasn't going to lie and tell her it wasn't mine. I'm not like that. I thought I would feel bad about someone I know and interact with on a daily finding out.

I don't. I'm cool with it. She made it a point to tell me my secret was safe with her...honey, I never doubted it would be!

Blog Secret: Narrow Escape

Today is blog secret day...I submitted mine, its randomly posted on someone else's blog.  It was beyond therapeutic to get it out there.  Below is someone else's secret.  Feel free to comment, I'm sure they would appreciate anything you have to say...I'm sure you will be nice. Why, because you are all beyond amazing.  :-)

the full list of participating blogs is available at Nilsa's blog, the genious mind behind Blog Secret Day. 

Narrow Escape

I suppose like anyone else I have several ghosts that haunt me. Not ghosts that rattle their chains, moan like the wind and are ever-present. No, my ghosts are buried… for no other than reason I have forced myself to ignore them, to push them away to insist that they do not exist. They can’t exist.

Maybe by sharing one of my ghost stories through BlogSecret I can finally free myself of the fear of one in particular:

Sophomore year in college I made a particularly bad decision to go home with a bouncer at one of the local bars I frequented. He was smoldering, mysterious, wore rubber bands on his wrist in mass quantities and had a jaw that was permanently clenched unless he was drunk or we were obnoxiously making out. At closing time I skipped out on my friends and hopped into his car. We were both too intoxicated on cheap keg beer to even kiss. I went home the next morning wearing his clothes, smelling of man’s cologne, a very worried roommate and fought  my way through my hangover and courses that I was obligated to attend. 

Two days later, another night out with the bouncer. He got wasted. Shot after shot after shot went in his gorgeous mouth. With each shot his speech slurred. With each passing moment he grew angry. Jealous. His grip on my arm tightened. Talking to other people was forbidden. I was to stand next to him all night. Later that evening, at his house, he held my arms so tightly while he talked to me in a low, gravelly voice about how he was almost a father one day, I had hand and finger prints on my upper arms. I told him he was hurting me but his hands remained clamped around me. I wore long-sleeved shirts for the next three days. 

Another week went by, and he called asking me to stop by his place on my way home from a friend’s house. Thinking that the now fading bruises were an accident, a mistake, I accepted his offer. I showed up ten minutes past when he expected me too.  He was drunk. Not more than one minute after I got in the door, he took a swing at my face, angry that I was late. Fortunately I was stone-cold sober, dodged the punch and fled the house.

 I shook the whole way home, realizing that someone tried to hit me. HIT. ME. Up until this point in my life, though I dated some less than pristine men, I had never, ever come face to face with violence.

I know that I narrowly missed a black-eye. I know that I saved myself from what could have been an abusive relationship. I know that this story isn’t as horrific as it could have been. That doesn’t change the fact that occasionally it haunts me. The fear, the shame, the worry I felt in those five seconds still come flooding back to me on occasion. Too scared to tell anyone for fear they wouldn’t believe me, I repressed the memories of that evening.

Even writing about this… an almost punch to my face… seems trivial, even though it’s not, right?

Sitting here typing this, I am not sure I want to send it in. But I will.

It happened, it was awful, he was a jerk, and I am done carrying this around. There is too much good in my life to be bogged down with useless ghosts.

Oh to be a fly on our wall

The following conversation took place tonight at my house

Jossie Singing to Bailey : How yummy was the food grammy made for you yesterday?

Jossie to Vickie: You know I think from now on I am going to sing everything to Bailey, that would be totally awesome

Vickie to Jossie: Why not go all out and do Kabuki, I think she'd like that?

Vickie Singing(kind of) to Bailey: Me, me, ma, mo, mo (with kabuki like hand gestures)

Vickie to Jossie: See! she loves that shit!

Jossie to Vickie: You're an effing nutjob.

Yeah its a bit pricey but who cares when you're helping kids

I stumbled upon this website today One Laptop Per Child and instantly new that I wanted to do this as part of my giving back this holiday season.

The basic idea is you purchase a laptop at $199 for a child in a developing country. The machine is custom built to be super durable and chock full of educational tools to help the child learn. The website gives a great description of it:

A real world laptop for real world change. The XO

Many years and an infinite amount of sweat equity went into the creation of the XO laptop. Designed collaboratively by experts from academia and industry, the XO is the product of the very best thinking about technology and learning. It was designed with the real world in mind, considering everything from extreme environmental conditions such as high heat and humidity, to technological issues such as local language support. As a result, the XO laptop is extremely durable, brilliantly functional, energy-efficient, responsive, and fun.


They have some at $399 that you can buy for your own child if you'd like.

Now I don't have a kid, I know several people that do and will recommend that when they do start thinking about buying their kid a computer they consider these.

I for one would rather spend $199 on something that helps, however tiny it may be, someone who needs it.

This is on my holiday purchases list...I think you should add it to yours too. If you can't because its out of your budget then at least pass the word along to someone who you think can spare it.

Potluck Extravaganza Part 2

So I woke up Sunday, a tad hungover, from the mix of beer and Ibuprofen I had taken the night before. My sister and I had a very busy day, but God bless my mother and her super yummy breakfast skills. I had a steaming hot cup of coffee in my face 2.5 seconds after I woke up.

Sunday was a cold day. YIPPEE!! Seriously, its feeling like the holiday's now. My mother picked up my grandmother and her sister at around noon, I spent the afternoon chatting with my grandmother about my plethora of cousins and their mini dramas. My grandmother is my favorite person in the world. Super sweet, loving, fun, not judgmental. She is the only one of 5 sisters who didn't become a nun. Yup. You would think she would be extremely prude because of it, but she's not. She's awesome. At around 3:30 our family started to get there. Because the weather was nice my mom had set everything up outside. It was great.

I had a lot of fun catching up with my cousins, playing with the babies and talking to my uncles. My mom is the only girl out of 7 kids. 3 of her brothers were in attendance. The dirty jokes and funny childhood stories were in large supply. It was great. We will of course be having our regularly huge Thanksgiving as always, but my mom decided she wanted to have this one as well. Not sure why, but whatever. My dad, sadly was not in attendance as he was on a business trip to Buenos Aires. Overall a great night. By the end of the day, I was exhausted as was poor Bailey. She was subjected to my great uncle hitting her all night with his cane and my 2 year old cousin chasing her all day and eventually kicking the crap out of her. totally not cool. By the time we got home Bailey, Vickie and me were beyond pooped.

My grandmother with 6 of her 17 grandkids

My cousins wife and the babies

My great-aunt, grandmother and my cousin Victor

The baby swap, they weren't having the fact that their parents were carrying another kid

My aunt Julie and her son Victor, he is currently the terror of our family

My cousin Jessie

My cousin Michael and his son Jax, Jax is my grandmother's first great grandchild from the Miami grandkids.

My grandmother and her sister and brother
the one on the left is my great aunt Carmen, she is a nun in Cuba, the one on the right is her brother Enrique, he is 97 years old.

My uncles and the adorable one in the orange sweater is my mom :-)

My uncle and god father did the honors

He is soooo cute with those cheeks of his

Honest to God, I swear we are all actually related.  Our family someone manages to cover the entire spectrum hair, eye and skin color wise.  Its awesome.  Who knows, I may very well end up with a red haired child with blue eyes.  Totally possible.

Potluck Extravaganza Part 1

Seriously, what a whirlwind weekend it was for me. First off, I am feeling better. My neck is not as sore as it was before and my cold has turned into mini sniffles. Yay for weekend at moms! Who knows how to take better care of her baby than anyone else. Thats right, my mom.

Despite the fact that I felt like complete poo on Saturday, we had plans to attend a potluck with the family everyone wishes they had, our friends. In anticipation, I made cornbread (not my best, I must admit, but still yummy) and my sister made biscuits and honey butter. By the way that honey butter was beyond delish and super easy to make. I highly recommend it for your Thanksgiving festivities.

We arrived at our friends Zoey and Lissettes around 9. It was definitely a full house, I think there were about 20 people there. Everyone had brought something super delicious...and in a typical Miami style Thanksgiving we had the Turkey and Arroz Imperial. (rice with chicken covered in cheese) What, rock! honestly I laughed when I looked at our spread. It was totally random. The pumpkin pies we baked with our bff the night before were definitely the stand outs with the penis cut outs we baked on top of them.

Yumm!

The lovely Carlos and Teresa

My best friend Teresa and her hubby

Our Appetizers

Carlos being sexy with our appetizers

Gabriel's seducing the camera

Mary and Gabe

Mario and the fried plantains

Zoey and Lissette

Me, sick as a dog with the love of my life

Me, Teresa and Vickie

This is my favorite face that she makes, honestly, she does it like every 5 minutes

Fake praying, before dinner

Mario lead the fake prayer

Teresa breaking it down to some Dannity Kane song, she was all about it

Geisha!

The second post will be the family one...I felt all sorts of wrong posting them in the same one ;-)

What you have to look forward to

Its going to be getting pretty busy up in here this week.  This is what you all have to look forward to:

Monday - Seriously ridiculous post with photos of me, my family and friends enjoying extremely early Thanksgiving deliciousness.  No promises but I may even throw in a few pics of my drunken best friend dancing her white butt off.  ( I swear she's latin, the whitest latin girl you've ever seen but still)

Tuesday - Blog Secret day.  Woohoo!!  I am so excited about this I can't even tell you.

Wednesday - 20SB Blog Swap.  My partner and I are still working out what we are going to be writing about...but if her blog is anything to go by, it will be a good day.

Thursday - Random crap about me :-)  

Friday - More random Jossie crap.  Admit it, you love me!

Aren't you guys excited, because I am. Seriously, I'm a total dork right now, who may or may not be doing a little dance in front of their computer.  May or may not.

The proper way to buckle a dog harness

I know you totally thought that this was not really what I was going to write about...but guess what it totally is, because:

A - I am extremely tired
B - I have to sift through way too many pictures in order to do a proper post about my weekend
C - I am really really tired

So until I get the energy to tell you all about the last two days, enjoy me, putting a harness on my lovely snausage Bailey, while she gives me the stink eye and is pissed at me because the turkey made her exceedingly tired and I just woke her up.

You begin by attaching the top buckles, not too tight or you will kill your dog

Make sure they flip over so you can buckle the under belly one.  Notice the crotch shot.  My dog is a whore.

Give them a kiss when its all said and done to soothe their erratic little heart after the workout.

P.S. 

I have no idea why my cheeks looks so chubby, I look like I am storing nuts for the winter in there.  

P.S.S

I am also sporting some serious fish lips...and my dog is not effing having it.  She is literally looking at my sister and pleading to be saved from the horrors of my kisses

Perfect

As if I didn't love him enough already...he makes the perfect video for my favorite of his songs.

I am slightly ashamed of myself

Last night I went to my bff's house...she lured me there with the promise of my corner, homemade pumpkin pie, Kung Fu Panda and Little Big Planet.  (I know I'm easy)

Upon arrival some of our other friends were also there...it was going to be a great night of "vagina time" (this is what we call our girl nights).  My sister decided to go get some beers, and being that I am still sick and a tad whiney I told her to get me something sweet and delicious.  She came back with a pint of HDaz, Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream.  Basically the holy grail of sweet and delish treats.  

As previously mentioned, part of the evenings activities was making pumpkin pie.  Our super secret ingredient for said pies is condensed milk.  As a child born from Cuban parents, you are taught to basically worship the almighty condensed milk gods!  Seriously, if you've never had it, go buy a can and thank me later.  This was one of the treats that I included in my first ever care package to the ex-bf.  He became addicted.

So needless to say last night, with condensed milk and Cookie dough ice cream in the same room, I had quite possibly the fattest moment in my life!  I took the condensed milk and poured that shit all over my ice cream, because apparently, ice cream can always be sweeter.  It was beyond amazing.  I sat there eating it making little moaning noises, while all my friends looked at me with pure disgust on their faces.

Yes, I am a tad disgusted with myself this morning, I can't even imagine how many calories that was.  But you know what! Really I don't care.  It was F***ing awesome.

I just need a brief moment to whine...

Maybe its because I'm sick that I feel it is totally acceptable for me to wallow. But can I say that I am totally not looking forward to this weekend. I should be, I've been sick and weekends are usually 2 days of unadulterated bliss for me. This one, not so much. Why you ask?

Saturday

• go to my parents house to say bye to my dad who is going to Argentina for the week
  
• go grocery shopping for ingredients to make corn bread and biscuits
• go back to my moms and bake said corn bread and biscuits
• have a driving lesson with Gabriel
• spend time with my grandmother and great aunt who have now arrived at my mom's house, get told by my grandmother for the bajillionth time that I need to make sure I don't get fat!
  
• shower, get dressed and head to Z&L for the early Thanksgiving potluck
• Try to enjoy myself while not drinking, because I am ingesting way too much medicine, while everyone else gets completely wasted
  

Sunday

• Wake up at my moms house (oh thats right, we are sleeping over which means futon or couch, did I mention I have a seriously bad shoulder/neck pain that I've had for a week and just seems to get worse. At this point I am willing to let ANYONE massage me to make it better)
• spend some quality time with my very needy dog who will be starved for my attention because of Saturday's schedule
• help my mother prepare for the 2nd early Thanksgiving potluck of the weekend
• put on a happy face as I spend the entire afternoon with my family (all 30 of them) and help my mom along with my sister host the party
• once they leave help her clean up
• pack up all our crap and head back home, which won't be before 9 at the earliest

So basically, I'm sick as a dog and I have a beyond busy weekend in which I won't even be able to sleep in my own bed.

Whine, whine, whine!

Okay, I'm done.

Hitting on women totally DOES make you a douchebag

Okay so that title is almost entirely stolen from my darling friend Uncle Ebenezer. A few days ago he posted this little nugget of perfection and I said I would post a female perspective on it (or at the very least, this female's perspective).

So here's where I stand on this. I've been a girl all my life, and as such have always had to deal with men in one capacity or another. Growing up I was a late bloomer. This didn't stop me from having a boyfriend, as some of you know I have basically had a boyfriend since I started walking. (I wish I was kidding) However, the attention I got from boys changed from a genuine interest in the person I was, to "wow does she ever have big boobs. "

That being said, I have gotten used to it. Sad as it may seem, I am used to being approached because of the physical aspect alone. I'm not saying I am some super hot model, on the contrary, I think I get approached because they think its possible to hit on me, flatter me a little, and get me into bed. Easy peasy. Not so much really.

I think as most women would attest to being hit on is kind of rude. So yes, Uncle Ebenener (UE), you are right. We do think someone who outright hits on us is douchey. Why you may ask? Well, I'll tell you...Its one thing for a guy to think you are cute and approach you genuinely interested in making conversation, its another thing entirely for a guy to come up to you with the sole purpose of dropping a line on you and seeing how far it gets him. A) Its a little presumptuous to think that would do it, one line, bam! the panties are off B) Unless I am really beyond drunk, in which case, I may just laugh and ignore you, you my friend, are cruising for a bruising, I've slapped before, especially when all you do is talk to my tits.

For me, the guy who shows a genuine interest in me is the one that grabs my attention. As I commented on UE's post, I think most girls would prefer for you to get in on whatever converssation they are having. If it was me and my friends 9 times out of 10 we'd respond favorably. After about 20 minutes of honest to goodness conversation if you want to buy me a drink, ask for my number or flirt. Go for it. Chances are if I find you attractive and interesting, I'll flirt back.

Just for the record, other tactics that do not work on me or women of my acquaintance:

1. whistling or honking - this really ticks me the hell off
2. shouting obsenities at me about my body, my walk, etc.
3. coming up to me shirtless asking me, "Where you stay at?" as you rub your belly - not cute
4. winking from across a bar or room - my laughing at you is not an indication that you can approach, its me thinking you are a tool
5. touching me in any way shape or form unless I know you (this includes grabbing me, my ass or my tits - and yes this has happened)

Hope it helps Uncle Ebenezer.

I should really be much more excited about this

You may or may not remember a post I did a few weeks back about pre ordering the new expansion for World of Warcraft. I was beyond super geeked out. Well my friends. I currently have it in my hands. And how do I feel about it, Meh!

Its actually a bit sad, maybe its because I'm sick as all hell, or because I know my weekend is so insanely packed with crap that I won't be able to touch it. Honestly I think it has a lot more to do with the ex-bf.

Playing WoW was our thing. It was how we met, it was where we became friends, it was how we spent most of our nights together for over a year. I logged on last night for the first time in over 2 months to make sure my game was completely set up for the expansion and my guild was shocked. They hadn't seen me in so long they didn't know what to say.

The guild knew we were a real life couple, it was often joked about, that if we got married it would be the dorkiest wedding in the history of the world because all our guildies would be in attendance. Its strange now playing without him. My lovely little Blood Elf Warlock is a tad lonely.

Not to mention that I am officer in the guild as is he and several of his friends. His cousin is our GuildMaster (basically President). Its weird, I always felt like I had this family when I played, now I kind of feel like an orphan. I haven't decided what I am going to do yet. There is an option to change servers or I can also just leave the guild. But its been my home for so long I'm not sure I want to do that.

I hate the fact that something that used to make me so happy is making me worry so much. I know it will never be the same as it was. I had some amazing times in that non-existent world. And I'll never have them again. It's okay, I knew this too would change, I just kind of avoided it for as long as I could, but now that its staring me in the face I have to deal with it.

I realize that this post may very well qualify me as the dorkiest person you know...thats cool, I'm alright with that, because I am a really really adorable dork.

Whose Coming With Me??

I really really want to watch this movie.  Its like the perfect movie for a sci-fi dork.  Monsters, Aliens and comedy.

Now I just need to find a date.

I did it...I still can't believe it

I'm home in bed today, sick as a dog.  I can barely move my head, my neck is so stiff from whatever the hell I got into on Friday night.  And I can't breathe from how congested I am.  I called my boss and he said I sounded like shit.  Yup, I sure do.  I decided to spend the day catching up on my reader, finishing off Identity Crisis and finally submitting my secret for the Blog Secret event.

I can't believe I just wrote it down and e-mailed it off to someone I have never met before and am not sure I can trust to keep the secret for me.  She knows everyones secrets, we have to send them to her with our url.  Mine is doozie.  At least for me it is.  I've kept it for years.  Never told a soul.  No one.  Not my sister, my best friends, family.  So why am I planing on telling strangers. 

Well its been a hard one to carry.  I'm done.  It really helps that you won't know its mine.  I'd never done it before and I never will again but I am glad that its no longer only my secret to bear.

Now just don't figure out which is mine.  And if you do, for the love of all that is holy, don't tell anyone.  If you think you know and you want to confirm it, e-mail me.  I may just tell you.  Maybe.

Seriously, don't even try it

I know that I don't usually post about work.  Its one of the topics that I purposely try to stay away from.  I'm not sure why, as a whole I have a pretty interesting job.  Really I do.  

I work at a charity.  Not a national one, but a large charity nonetheless.  We raise millions of dollars a year for a public hospital.  I started working there when I was 21 as the Assistant to the V.P.  I never finished college (very long story) and had just quit my previous job because it was horrible and I couldn't take it anymore.  When I started working there it was difficult, my boss at the time, though she loved me like a daughter was not always the easiest person to work for.  At the time I was engaged and the ex-hubby told me to stick with it.  I figured I would stay there for a few years and eventually move on to greener pastures.  I however fell in love.  Not with the people but with the mission.  Working a regular 9-5 pales in comparison to working for a place where the job that you do directly affects people.  People who can't help themselves, families who have no place to stay, children who can't get the treatment they need in their country and would die without your help.

So despite a crap pay check I stuck with it.  Its been 5 years now.  About 2 years ago I was offered a promotion.  To Special Events Manager.  I was still kind of young, 24, and they didn't feel that I was ready to be the Director of a Department with a staff that reported to me.  I accepted it.  I wasn't sure if I was ready for that either.  They hired a Director, she lasted 2 months.  In the middle of her first event she had a nervous breakdown (no lie) and I had to step in and get it done.  By the end of the night, the Director position was mine.  I was still married.  The nicest thing the ex-hubby ever said to me was how proud of me he was that I was the youngest Director in the Foundation's history.  Since that day I have built a great department. A fun department, a department that gets criticized from time to time because we have too much fun, but at the end of the day my staff is happy to work for me, we are all loyal to each other and the strongest team you can think of and more importantly we get the job done.  Really well.  I couldn't ask for better staff/friends or for them to be more dedicated than they are.

So yesterday while at my committee meeting when one of my vendors said the following I just about lost my shit!

We were critiquing my last event and he said that he wanted to know if the events department had fun planning this event in particular.  "Do you like planning them, do you have fun, because it doesn't seem like you do."

Oh hell no!

I let him finish and then stepped in.  I was sitting at a table with 2 of my 3 staff members there. 

I as politely as possible said the following...

" I can't say that we have fun per se staying in the office until 11 or 12am 3 or 4 days straight.  But we are dedicated and we do the job.  We love what we do.  We do have some fun but its not about fun.  If you ask me and my staff how we feel about this event in particular, We are Proud to do this event, because of the mission, what it accomplishes and the good we get to do because of it not because we have fun. "

Yes I may have gotten a tad teary eyed when I said that but I'm a big sap, so whatever.

For us it really is not about how much fun we have its about the mission.  What a damn idiot he was!  

Am I a horrible person

I think I've mentioned before that the ex-bf has a blog.  His blog is about his walk with God and what he goes through trying to get a closer relationship with him.   He doesn't write in it daily and usually when he does its about something that he is feeling in regards to his faith.  

When everything happened a few days ago I made it a point to go into the blogs I'm following tab and remove his blog.  I didn't want to read about him or what was going on in his life through his blog, any more than I wanted to see it on FB or via e-mail.

So imagine my surprise this afternoon when I go to my reader and see his blog.  At first it didn't really register that it was his blog.  I started reading it and I kind of stopped myself because the writing style was very familiar, I look up and there it is the name of his blog.  

I'm not going to lie, I read it.  And lo and behold it was about me.  The first one that he has ever written dedicated to me.  It was saying how lonely he feels now when he gets home, how even though things had technically been over for a while he never really felt it until now, how sad he is that he won't be getting anymore e-mails, yadda yadda yadda.  

I allowed myself to feel bad for him for one second.  And it was done.  I don't wish bad on anyone.  I truly don't.  But reading that post was the first time that I really felt that he really knew what it was like to be in my shoes.  He is now feeling the loneliness that I've felt for 4 months, feeling my absence like I felt his.  

I'm not going to lie, I kind of feel like a horrible person for being a tad happy about the fact that he feels like shit.  Because despite the last 4 months, he is still an amazing man.  But then I stop and think about it and realize, you know what, he gave me up, willingly.  Not because things were bad, not because he fell out of love with me, not because of infidelity...but because he felt God wanted him to spend time alone and give me up in the process.  And you know what, that my friends, is bullshit. (it has taken me 4 entire months to be able to verbalize that one thought, hooray for me!)  So I'm kind of glad he is sad and finally knows what it is like to feel lonely and miss me like I've missed him everyday for the last 4 months.  

I'm sure right now, it kind of sucks to be him.  More than anything I'm glad I'm not there anymore, because there, where he is right now, was a really crap-ass place to be.

Awww I feel so loved

The lovely Katie from Because Katie Says So! feels that I am worthy of a blog award.


Apparently, there are all kinds of rules tied to this award. They are as follows:

• Post this badge on your site and link back to Maternal Spark

• Tag 5 of your bloggy friends who have sparked creativity, conversation, controversy and friendships!

So the five lovely blogs I nominate are:

Because I love her and her blog beyond words

Starting Over...Two Baby Steps at a Time

Because I seriously feel her pain

Classy in Philadelphia

Because she is my musical soul mate and a squirrel aficionado, and really you can't beat that combo

Cusp of Normal

Because I am an avid SO@24 reader and I think its hilarious that I'm giving him an award with the word Sparky in it that I think is really meant for women bloggers

Starting Over at 24

Because I think if we ever met in real life we would totally be BFF's

Don't Call Me Kathleen

That is all folks. Thanks Katie for being amazingly awesome and loving me up with this award and to all five of you, for making my work day that much easier to bear.

Seriously, you all rock my socks off daily.

Note To Self

Do not take cold medicine and then pick out clothing for work. This leads to poor judgment when picking clothes. Therefor, I am wearing a completely inappropriate dress (way too short) to the office on a day that I have a 15 person committee meeting. Had I been in my right mind I could have counteracted the length by wearing flats. But no! I wear heels to just kick it completely off the classy scale.

So not only am I sick so I will make a poor showing during my meeting but now I also look like a skank.

Well done, Jossie, well done.

Its ridiculous that I've never written about this...

Its really unbelievable considering how much I love it. I am one of the thousands nay hundreds of thousands of people who is beyond obsessed with the Twilight series.

I was originally introduced to it by my BFF Teresa. We went to dinner over a year ago now and she handed me a book. " You will f****** love it" . I read the back flap and rolled my eyes at her. She was adamant that I read it. So after dinner I went home and started reading.

And didn't put it down until the next morning, when I finished (I am a ridiculously fast reader, its sick). I called her and told her how awesome it was and how I wanted to read it again, like right now. She laughed and yelled "i knew it."

Flash forward a couple of weeks Teresa has gotten others to read it and I have also started to recruit my very own Twilight army. To date I have most of my coworkers who've read it, my other best friend is currently reading it as is her husband, my mom, Janet (yes that Janet) , my aunt and cousins on both sides of the family, my ex-bf (my greatest achievement, and yes he loved it, well most of it, he hated the 3rd book, something about love triangles really pisses him off, whatever). This list is just the beginning. Seriously, I predict that by the end of 2010 Twilight will have achieved world domination.

Why you ask? I shall tell you.

A) Its about vampires. And really there is nothing sexier than vampires. As a kid I slept with my neck fully exposed hoping I would get bitten. I'm not even remotely kidding.

B) The narrator, Bella, is totally relatable. She is normal, klutzy and shy. Who isn't.

C) The story is easy to read. Real easy, after all it is written for teenagers.

D) The sexual tension is BEYOND words. I practically break out into sweats while reading the books.

E) Edward Cullen. He looks like this
And he SPARKLES!

F) The movie. It is going to be awesome and boasts what is probably the hottest young cast in the universe. And I don't mean hot as in up and coming, I mean hot as in, I'd probably sleep with everyone of them and I've never had lesbian tendencies. Seriously.

If you haven't read it, are doubting the hype, or haven't heard of it...do yourself a favor borrow it from a friend, buy it whatever, just read it and then go watch the movie.

You can thank me later.

And Now Coldplay

Coldplay - Clocks from Jossie Posie on Vimeo.

Without further adieu here is the long awaited Coldplay post.  

We (my sister, Teresa and I) met up with our friend Mary and her friend Lauren for some drinks prior to the show.  We were a tad late in getting to the concert, which would eventually prove to be the best thing ever.

As we are walking in, a guy starts poking me and asking to talk to me.  I being the rude person that I am, tried to continue walking, but he was a persistent little dude.  So instead I stop and simultaneously yank my best friend Teresa back by her bra.  No lie.  

He tells us he is with the tour and asks to see our tickets.  He proceeds to tell us that we have good seats but he is about to make our night.  We are obviously skeptical, not only because he currently has our tickets in his hand, but because who has ever heard of something like this happening.

He asks us if we are big fans, and we of course answer in the affirmative.  He then tells us that he would like to upgrade us to front row seats and hands us 3 new tickets.  And asks us if we would like the tickets.  Teresa and I were frozen in shock, my sister however, literally yells a resounding "YES" at his face.   The catch, one of them is in the 3rd row.  Teresa opts to take this seat.  We thank him and off we go to find our seats.  

We were the entire time plotting how we would get Teresa to sit with us.  Meanwhile our friends Mary and Lauren where sitting in their lovely floor seats, not knowing what had just transpired.

We go in, find our seats and no joke they were the front row.  Wait, I lie, they were in front of the front row.  They were the two special wheelchair seats ALL the way up by the stage.  My sister and I thought we had died and gone to heaven.  We sit down and meet the lovely security guard posted right in front of us.  I would just like to take a moment to thank this God among security guards.  Kelly, you rock. Seriously.  

We chatted him up and asked if Teresa could join us and he said "Sure!, once the lights go down no problem."  At this point Teresa on her way the bar had happened upon Mary and Lauren and regaled them with our story.  So who comes sidling up to me but the two of them.  Seething with jealousy no less.  I tell them no biggie they can totally come back up here once the show starts.  Mary has an even more brilliant idea and just decides to hang around until the show starts.

Kelly, seriously awesome security guard, doesn't even mind.  He's totally giving us bits of info on the Arena, how we are currently sitting on ice because the Florida Panthers play there and telling us juicy info on all the concerts including the NKOTB one from the week before.  

Then the show starts, the girls stay, Kelly turns a blind eye and 5 for the price of none enjoy massively ridiculously awesome front row seats to see Coldplay.  I couldn't make this kind of crap up if I tried.  It was amazing!  They played all the old favorites and a ton of stuff from  the new album.  Of course their encore was Yellow :-) My sister and I saw them the first time they played in Miami from the 4th row and had resigned ourselves to the fact that we would never have better seats than those.  Soooo happy to be wrong.  I chock it up to Karma.  After my shit weekend with the whole ex-bf drama I was getting a little bit of love from the all knowing gods.  

We took a ton of photos and even a super illicit video of them playing Clocks.  They are a tad blurry so bare with me but nonetheless you can still enjoy the awesomeness that is Coldplay and Chris Martin's razor burn.  Because we could totally see it, thats how close we were. 

They are a tad out of order, this Blogger photo posting is not the most user friendly.

On our way to the concert

Teresa, me in the back, my sister Vickie driving

Oh, you truly are hotter in person

My sister Vickie, ME! and my BFF Teresa

During Lover's in Japan they released millions of confetti butterflies it was the absolute best moment of the night

Me and my sis

Yes, that is how close we were to the stage

Mary eating some butterflies

The boys take their bow

A tiny corner of my face and my sister

The butterflies were beyond words amazing

They went out to the middle of the floor seats and played a few songs

Lauren and Mary

Its a shame he's already married

Chris solo's on the piano

Mary and Vickie

Coldplay bootie

My sister and I refer to Chris Martin as a Hamster on Crack because the guy jumps around on stage like you wouldn't believe, it made it almost impossible to get a good pic of him

They went into the seats to play for everyone in the back it was awesome

The concert was obviously sold out

More Lovers in Japan butterflies

My sister and me basking in the butterflies

Bye boys :-(

Encore was of course Yellow

THE END!

My Spot

See. I told you. Me in my corner at my best friends house, sick, snuggling with Batman and playing the most adorable video game ever created Little Big Planet. Look at that face of concentration :-)

Bleh!

That was the exact sound that came out of me this morning, really like 20 minutes ago, when I woke up today.  Not only is my neck still hurting beyond belief.  Like seriously, what the hell did I do to it! But I woke up with a massive throat ache and super congested.  What does that mean?  

Well, my friends, I have a cold.  Whoppee!  

No seriously, lucky me.  Of course, I get it on my random middle of the week day off that I am supposed to spend with my bff.  Last night while hanging out at her house I jokingly said that when she came to pick me up I'd be in my pj's and that I was planning on spending the day in them.  Dude, I'm so not kidding.  I am about to shower, and put on a fresh pair of PJ pants, possibly sport my Barock It shirt, a ponytail and a pair of flips.  Seriously, who do I need to impress at her house.  The dog, who is already ridiculously in love with me.  I am like one of two people that he deigns worthy of his slobbery kisses.

Maybe I'll put on a little bit of make up because knowing Teresa she will drag my ass to a bookstore.  Not that I mind, I could live in one.  But with her you never know.

I was also supposed to clean today.  Being that I felt so crappy this weekend my sister (who I am times refer to as the dictator) decided that she would be nice enough to allow me to clean today.  However, I can't, I feel like poop.  Had I not already promised to go to my Bff's I would have festered in bed today.  But alas, my comfy corner of her sofa awaits (yes, I have my own corner, I will take a photo to prove it) and snuggles with the Gorde.

I will be posting about Coldplay today, just as soon as I get to her house and force her to dload the photos.

I hope everyone's day is better than mine.

Its a done deal, for reals

So the official break up of the friends happened this afternoon. Albeit I was a bit more diplomatic about it than he was. Honestly, I hadn't really thought that we shared about 25 Facebook friends, I guess because most were mine.

But last night while hanging out with my best friend and sister, after telling them everything that went down on Saturday (yes, I totally just went ghetto on you) Teresa said, great now I can delete him from my FB. It kind of hit me, that yes, that would have to happen. It wasn't just the two of us that were parting ways but all of the friends that we now shared.

This afternoon, I went online to do the deed and noticed that he had already deleted all my friends. Including my sister and my parents (yes, they are awesome and totally hip with their very own FB account) without a word. Poof! Just gone. I like to think that my momma raised me right. So I drafted a very nice e-mail to his friends explaining briefly why I would be deleting them. Explaining that it would be best for both myself and the ex-bf and wishing them nothing but the best.

I feel like I took the high-road in this and despite feeling like absolute crap for the last 4 months after being dropped (for lack of a better word) I am proud of myself.

Oh Johnny!

I was listening to a song today by John Mayer, Comfortable, and wow did it ever remind me of the last few months...its nice to be able to be myself in the full sense of the word again without feeling bad about doing so.

I just remembered that time at the market
Snuck up behind me and jumped on my shopping cart
And rode down
Aisle five

You looked behind you
To smile back at me
Crashed into a rack full of magazines
They asked us
If we could leave

Can't remember
What went wrong last September
Though I'm sure you'd remind me
If you had to

Our love was
Comfortable
And so broken in

I sleep with this new girl I'm still getting used to
My friends all approve
Saying she's gonna be good for you
They throw me
High fives

She says the Bible is all that she reads
And prefers that I not use profanity
Your mouth was
So dirty

Life of the party
And she swears that she's artsy
But you could distinguish
Miles from Coltrane

Our love was
Comfortable
And so broken in

She's perfect
So flawless
Or so they say

She thinks I can't see
The smile that she's faking
And Poses for pictures
That aren't being taken

I loved you
Grey sweatpants
No make up
So perfect

Our love was
Comfortable
And so broken in

She's perfect
So flawless
I'm not impressed
I want you back

In Conclusion

It was a weekend filled with highs and lows. Obviously the lows were beyond low and well the highs...WOW!

I promise you a full post on the absolute pure awesomeness that was the Coldplay concert is coming. I am still on a high from it...I've been floating through my day. But I want to post pictures so you guys can experience it with me. My best friend Teresa is holding the camera hostage. I'll be spending tomorrow with her as I have the day off and she has decided to kidnap me for some BFF time. I should have the post done by mid-day (fingers crossed)

Other than that, I feel a huge weight lifted off of me. After the horrible Saturday I had filled with tears and drama I woke up today feeling much better about my life. No, I am not over him completely, I am sure over the next several weeks I will miss him. But I feel a sense of closure that I haven't had before. I erased all his e-mails, his photos, his contact info, his text messages. I'm starting fresh.

He e-mailed me Sunday afternoon about my post. Saying he was so happy that I decided it would be best to move on. That he was sure the right man was out there for me. And promised he wouldn't write to me anymore. I didn't respond. I deleted it. I'm done. I think I've been put through enough shit in one year. I need to find some happiness and definitely not with him.

I hope everyone else's weekend weren't as drama filled as mine was.

I could die happy

Honestly.  All I am going to say is that I walked into the concert and we instantly got upgraded to front row seats.

I know.

A full post tomorrow or Tuesday at the latest with pictures.

Dreams

Everyone has dreams of the life they wish they had...the future they want to see.  How they want to grow old, with whom, doing what.  Its part of human nature to dream.  Dream of the life you wish you had.

When I dream, I dream of my very own place in the world.  A corner of a not so busy street.  A corner with walls and walls of bookshelves.  Chock full of the best this world has to offer. Words written in a time long past.  Words that heal, hurt, inspire, poke fun, inform.  

My own corner filled with people who asks questions, people who I guide to that perfect match. The perfect book for the perfect experience.  A sanctuary.  Not just for me but for those looking for a place to escape to.  A place where one can get lost behind the pages, dive in and immerse themselves for a couple of hours.  

My very own bit of earth surrounded wall to wall with the greatest love of my life.  A love that never falters, thats always there in good or bad, sickness and loss.  A love that inspires me to be more than what I am.   A love that is constant and will never let me down.  My very own little corner of the world.

Its About Time

honestly.  It seems as if I have been waiting forever to see Coldplay in concert again.  I love their live shows.  Listening to their music, spending time with my sis and bff.  

I'm looking forward to tonight.  I need a good one amidst all these crap ones.  I may have a beer or two.  I think I deserve to forget a little.

Why its been so bad today

Last night, I went out.  With The Teacher.  I had a good night.  We went out kind of late so I got home way passed my bed time.  As usual I grabbed my phone from my purse to dock it in my iHome.  What greeted me was the nastiest e-mail I have ever received from my Ex boyfriend.  If you knew him you would realize how strange this is.  My night was instantly ruined.  

I wrote back to him and tried to go to sleep.  I woke up this morning, exhausted and emotionally drained and had 2 new e-mails from him waiting in my inbox.  They weren't much better than last nights.  After spending the entire day going back and forth with him, he's calmed down.  But our relationship is broken beyond repair.  

I was going to write about my relationship with him so that you would understand our history but honestly our e-mails today have pretty much done it...so here are some excerpts for you from his e-mails, I'm sparing you the bad ones...they still make me cry and I don't want to re-read them.

Ex-boyfriend wrote:

Yes, I can be your friend, but not the kind of friend like those around you can be, those who really bring you joy and share your burdens. All I do now is add to your burdens. I can't remember the last time I helped you carry them. I'm sorry for that. 

Your blog kept me up all night, Jossie. Last night will be repeated again whenever your FB status changes or a new BF starts writing on your wall. And I would guess that should I start spending a lot of time with another girl at this moment, it would do the same to you. Are we simply torturing ourselves? 

I'm sorry for the tone in my emails. I was mad, hurt, disappointed. I'm still hurt, but for different reasons.

The reason I don't talk about us getting back together is because I don't believe we will anymore, and even if we did your faith in me to remain is gone - and where would that leave us? Unfortunately that doesn't keep me from loving you, or being jealous when you're with someone else. But if dating someone else is what you think you need to do, then you're the only one who can make that decision.  

I guess the reason I don't think we'll end up together anymore is because I don't think it's right anymore to be with someone that has to change (for the person).  I know these are things I've known all along about you, but I didn't realize how important it was for me that the Bible be accepted 100% whether we know why He says things or not.  

The reason I quit things on FB was because I wanted to do it when I had the motivation to do so, because I think it needed to be done. As I said before, you're not the one watching me move on with someone else, and I don't want to keep doing that to myself. I really thought we might could stay friends forever, but I'm not sure that's possible know matter how much we want it. Love and jealousy are playing a bigger role than I thought they would and I'm not sure what else to do.

In one of your emails you mentioned something that I've thought about and agree with completely, which is that what really is upsetting is knowing I coudn't be that person for you regardless of how much we have in common. As much as I wanted to be and as much as I look around at the guys down there and think I can do better taking care of you and loving you, I obviously can't. And that upsets me because I do love you and miss you.  

Every time we go through this, I feel like I'm losing you all over again.

This is my final e-mail to him, after spending the day writing to him this is all I had left to say:

I don't know what to say to you anymore. I've spent the entire day feeling like, I don't even know. Horrible I guess. 

I hate not having you in my life. And thats what it feels like. I also thought that despite our history we would be able to stay friends. I always knew if that didn't happen it would be because of you. And it is. But as I have done with everything else I'll respect you and your wishes.

Today for the first time in this whole thing, I can honestly say, I regretted the decision we made that first weekend in November. Choosing to move forward despite our differences. I was always afraid of ever fully giving myself over to someone because I knew the effect they would have on me if they ever broke my heart. The last 4 months is proof that I was right. I wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy.

Even writing this now I don't know what to say. Your ideas on what love should be I guess are so different. Today I spent some time alone with my mom and for the first time I really opened up about everything involving you. I told her what was going on. She told me that she suffers and worries only about me, no one else and wonders if I will ever find happiness. That she feels that I will never really be happy because I only look for perfection and never find it. Love isn't about perfection its about finding someone you can love for the rest of your life and making it work. I couldn't stop crying when she told me that. For me, thats what I had in you, a person that despite our differences I could be happy with and love completely for the rest of my life. You didn't feel the same. I hope I'm wrong and that you and I can both find that perfect person for us because if not I see us both living a very sad and lonely life.

I did say that it felt nice to talk to someone who felt the same way I did about issues...but it still wasn't right. It was not what I wanted. I am not dating to be mean or to put you through anything...I don't really even know how to describe it, I'm dating to try. To see if I can ever be happy again without you. I spend so much of the last 4 months thinking only of you that when I finally realized how horrible of a situation this was for me I knew that unless I did something about it I would never break out of this. I know why you did what you did. I get it. Despite the fact that I will never be happy with the decision I get it. But it is still the hardest thing I've ever been through. 

I don't know if you've ever seen this through my perspective...so I am going to tell you what its like. Being blissfully happy for 9 months after thinking that you would never find someone you could really love. Thinking that your lives together would only get better and happier as you moved on in your relationship. To find out that they needed time. Even though they loved you and were happy they felt that they needed to distance them self from you. They still loved you that hadn't changed but they couldn't be with you It would be six months before they knew whether or not they could ever be with you again. And while they told you they didn't expect you to wait...that was all you could do. Wait and hope that the person you love with all that you are loved you as much as you loved them. But somewhere a midst all the crying and heartache you realize that no one who truly loved you as you deserve would put you on hold for 6 months with the vague we'll see what happens after. Keeping you tied to them (unitentionally) with the hope that you would be together again. Despite everything, despite promising yourself that you were done, moving on. You can't. They are still all you see, all you want. You know even more now...that they will be that great love of your life. Even knowing you will never be together again. Knowing that they are lost to you.

I can't tell you how horrible it feels to be me today. I've had this emptiness that I carry around for the last 4 months...its been bad but after the first few weeks I've been able to manage it. Today it floored me. Literally knocked me out.

I've lost you, for good. I know it. 

One year ago today, he came down to see me for the first time.  This weekend would have been our one year anniversary.  I guess its perfect that on the day it all started it should end. I just kind of wish it was a bit less painful.  

Its gone from bad to worse

I really hate having a day of all bad posts.  I wish this one would be a happy, me in a spunky mood one.  But my day started bad and has progressively gotten worse.  

I've started a post 2 or 3 times and its not coming out right.  I just can't seem to find the right words.  What you may wonder could put me in this mood? The only person who has the power to depress me to this extent.

I've decided that I'm going to fill you all in.  Just not tonight.  I'm already drained.  I don't have it in me to sit down and regurgitate the good and the bad of my relationship with him.  Not tonight. 

Why is it that I TOTALLY get it...

Yes it is a fake story...but it doesn't matter. If I could put into words what my life is all about these days it would be basically just like this

And that my friends is the saddest thing ever.

Last Night

Was a mix of good and bad.  So much so, that I'm not going to write about it.  

I will say that I looked adorable, despite the fact that I was exhausted from my week. I was feeling more like sporting my sneakers and my awesome Transformers T-shirt, but I made an effort.  I always feel better when I do.  

Today I'll be having another driving lesson, spending some time with the parents, visiting with the ex-hubby for a while (this is still very strange to me) and taking my dad to see Madagascar 2, its like my sister and I are the adults.

Oh and did I happen to mention I'm going to a concert on Sunday.  I am beyond excited...maybe more than I was for NKOTB.  Why you ask?  Because I'm seeing, these guys

Ahhh, Coldplay, how I love thee!

Ooohhhh its a BlogSecret

This has to be one of the best ideas, ever. I know I'm a total chick, whatever.


Honestly, I don't even know what secret I am going to tell but I am, as we speak, (or type, whatever) scouring my brain to come up with something super awesome and juicy. Seriously, it has to be something scandalous...you know why, because no one will know its mine. Its like a therapy session with the blog world but no one can judge me.

I'm so all about this, its kind of sad.

Whose in on it...you know you want to. Come on.

TidBits of Pure Awesomeness - Volume 4

I know I've been totally slacking in my duties as the best present suggester ever. So to catch up I am going to do the most ridiculously awesome TBOPA post ever.  Here goes.

The Title Says it All:  I can honestly say most of the things you find on Uncommon Goods you won't find elsewhere.  Many of the things on this site are specifically meant for people with acquired tastes.  But every once in a while you find a true gem.  I've purchased several presents from here as well as several goodies for myself and can truly say that though a tad pricey they are great.  So if you are  for a gift for someone who happens to love jewelry made out of guitar pics, a tickle me Freud or a shower curtain explaining precipitation...look no further. Uncommon Goods is the place for you.

Price Range : Not so affordable, this should be saved for special occasions, seriously
Quality: Really great, no disappointments thus far
Website: www.uncommongoods.com

For all the Thick and Lovely Girls: That title was by recommendation of my sister who loves this next site.  I'll be honest, I don't love their clothes and they can be pricey but my sister swears by their jean sales.  They do have really good clearances every couple of months though.

Price Range : A tad on the pricey side, but like I said wait for the clearance sales
Quality: Good quality, especially jeans and accessories
Website: www.torrid.com

Best site for Affordable Gifts:  I shop here regularly, they have unique gifts for every person in your life especially those who have their own place and like to entertain.  Not too much variety but I promise you, you will find something for who ever you are shopping for.  The downside is that they don't change their inventory very often so if you shop there a lot you'll start repeating gifts.

Price Range: Very affordable, like seriously

Quality: You can't beat it, cute and durable

Website: www.wishingfish.com

The Best Site to Find Awesome Party Decor and Favors:  This is my absolute go to site for any party I throw, if you take any suggestions I give you, it should be this one, after all I plan events for a living ;-)  I went ape-poop a few years ago on here when I was throwing the ex-hubby a cowboy themed (don't ask) surprise birthday party.  They sort their decor and favors by themes so its super easy to shop.  I don't recommend getting everything from here because Oriental Trading is much more economical for some things but use it for those little touches that will put that party over the edge.  Such as a ridiculously adorable Squirrel topiary as a centerpiece, I have no idea what the theme of a party would be that would call for such a thing, but who cares.  Make one up.

Price Range: Moderately priced...use for touches not the whole party

Quality: Really, really, really great

Website: www.plumparty.com

No words...

Seriously...I walk out into the living room and my dog, this adorableness that you see here,

has totally taken a dump in the middle of the living room.  And not just any dump my friends, oh no, the turd is shaped like a penis.  With its two friends.

How can I punish her when I can't stop laughing.  I even called my sister out of the bathroom to gawk at this anomaly.  I know, I know.  I have issues. whatever.

Not to be Debbie Downer today...

but because Janet specifically requested it I am going to fill you in, sort of, on the rise and subsequent failure of my ever so brief marriage.

I met him when I was 20, he was good looking, charismatic, super smart, witty and had a great sense of humor. He was the computer guy at my job. A consultant to be exact. We interacted at the office for several months. Kind of flirting but kind of not. He owned his computer consulting business along with his best friend. Watching the two of them together was hilarious, and I quickly became friends with them both. Eventually, somehow, I was informed that he thought I was cute...and he somehow was told that I thought he was cute. I honestly don't remember how this information was extracted, but whatever. One June day, the ex-hubby and his bff went to lunch after leaving our office. I get a call on my office phone, it was his bff. Sort of strange, being that they just left, but whatever. He asked me for my cell phone number, which I gave to him, not really connecting that he was, in fact, married. Happily married. I hung up and my friend asked who it was and why in the name of all that is holy did I just give them my cell phone number. I told her and she immediately knew that he had called to get it for my ex-hubby. Lame I know. It was like we were in middle school all over again.

Flash forward a couple of weeks. Still no call. Then one lazy afternoon, my cell phone rings. And its him. We talk for about 5 hours, it was a good call. He continues to call me for about a month. Almost every day. Never asks me out and fully stops coming into the office himself to do work. Then one day I get to work and he's there. We chat for a while, and he leaves. This is the beginning of the period that I fondly remember as the Hiatus. (in other words, the time in which the ex-hubby took before officially asking me on a date so he could get all his shit together, because he knew our relationship wasn't just going to be a fling). The hiatus officially ended the day of my 21st birthday. He showed up at 6:00pm at my office to cut me a cake with my co-workers, out of the blue. The next day I received the BIGGEST arrangement of flowers I have ever gotten in my life. With a note from him and his bff wishing me a happy birthday. It was sweet...so I invited him to the beach that weekend to celebrate my birthday with me and my friends. Being the big 2-1, I rented a hotel room and planned on spending it as a drunken mess. Our first official date, was that Friday, in a room filled with my drunken friends. Classy, I know. He acted as the bartender for the evening and eventually took me to play pool. It was fun.

From that moment on, we were inseparable. Seriously. Within 3 weeks, I was living with him. 2 weeks later he gave me my first dog. And by October (my birthday is July 23) I had officially moved out of my parents house and into his apartment. It all happened rather fast. But I was happy. Then on our one year anniversary (september 17) he asked me to marry him. In what I still consider to this very day to be one of the most amazing proposals in the history of proposals. (I think that post will have to wait for another day, so that I can really do it justice)
Suddenly, things started to change. We weren't as happy as we used to be. Regardless we kept planning our wedding and pretending we were happy. On December 16, 2005, we were married. We had a great honeymoon. Really great and then we got back.

As soon as we got back he discovered World of Warcraft. Life would never be the same. I started to resent the fact that he worked like crazy (serious work-a-holic), came home and played video games until all hours of the night. No interest in his wife or any life we could have together. Because of this our relationship quickly deteriorated. I started playing World of Warcraft as a way to connect with him but he didn't like playing with me and preferred to play with his friends. A lot of things were said by both of us that could never be taken back. Respect was lost in our relationship. We made it to our one year anniversary, despite doubts that we would and trudged on. Then in April, I discovered some text messages on his phone. He had asked me to look for a text from his father and I saw something completely unexpected. Text messages from a girl at work. That were to put it mildly, COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE FOR A MARRIED MAN! I confronted him about it immediately. His defense was to yell at me for looking in his phone and telling me it was none of my business. We argued, discussed it and I decided to stay with him. He swore to me, he wasn't cheating on me. Of course, I realize after the fact how stupid I was to believe him, but I did. He told me that I was never allowed to bring it up again. As you can probably tell our relationship was not a healthy one.

We went on vacation and I made a last ditch effort to re-connect with him while there. It was okay, we had a good time. But I couldn't be happy, not after knowing what I already did. I would wake up from a deep sleep having had a nightmare that he was being unfaithful. It was horrible, worse because he started to go out all the time and drink way too much. I saw less and less of the man I originally fell for. It became normal for us to live separate lives. He had his friends, I had mine. Most weekends were spent apart. He would come home wasted at 3 or 4 in the morning. Slowly, anything I felt for him started to die.

By his birthday, September 29, I was done. I lived with a roommate. Someone I didn't get along with, I was only in it at this point because of our families. I realized that he had lost all respect for me...because if he loved me even a little he wouldn't disrespect me by having those kinds of conversations with other women, go out to bars until 4am, etc. On October 8, I put everything I felt into an e-mail. Trust me, I know how that sounds, but we were barely speaking at that point and every time we did, it erupted into a HUGE shouting match. He responded that night. I was at a friends party. By the time I got home we both knew it was the end. We stayed up and talked until 3 am. Seeing if there was anything left to salvage. There wasn't. We decided how we would do it, who would get what, by the end of the night everything was resolved.

The next day he filed for a divorce. On February 14th it was done. We were officially divorced. I had already moved on. I never really knew if he had cheated on me until one day in the middle of the divorce proceedings we got into an argument over the phone. About money, of course. His exact words to me where "Jossie, don't even. You talking to me about money, is like me talking to you about fidelity. It has no value. So don't!" Yeah. Way to confirm it buddy. Way to confirm it.

I'm not bitter, I cried only that one night. It didn't hurt, I just moved on. By the time we finally decided to call it quits, I had no feelings left for him except resentment. I allowed myself to be miserable for over 4 years for someone who didn't even respect me enough to be faithful. Now, that everything is said and done, I'm starting to see him as the man that I first knew. Funny, charismatic, friendly. I don't mind. At least it reminds me that at one point I wasn't crazy for falling for him, he was once a decent guy. Just not with me. We both acknowledge that we brought out the worst in each other. And we are much better off now. And I know thats true...because I don't even miss him.

Everything has its time

I've learned this the hard way over the last few months. Even after my ex sent me 2 boxes filled with my stuff I wasn't quite ready to send all of his stuff to him. Not to mention that I had promised his sister when we spoke a couple of months ago a couple of adorable onesies for her daughter, and I was still working on them. I finally finished them about a week ago but still hadn't mustered up whatever it was I needed to package all his crap away and send it back to him. It was all sitting on top of my dresser, taunting me.

Until last night. I was having a kind of mellow evening and I decided to watch a movie. I went over to my RIDICULOUS dvd collection and started going through them to see which one I wanted to see. It seemed like everyone I would even consider watching now had a memory of a certain someone attached to it. And this pissed me off to no end. I pulled three random musicals off my shelf and went to my bedroom ready to put one of them in and fester in my newly discovered pissyness.

I started thinking about how many movies I had seen with him over the course of 9 months. We practically lived at the movie theater when he was down or I was in Alabama. The last time I visited in June we saw no less than 6 movies in a week. It was ridiculous. Were memories of him going to be attached to these movies forever. Dude, I saw the new Indy with him. Will I never watch it again without remembering his face...or the fact that we went afterwards to a sporting goods store to buy me knee and elbow pads for my new roller skates. Even thinking about this now is pissing me off a tad.

Then I started to think about all the other memories I have with him. Most recently, going to Disney. Even after we had the break up discussion, he came down and we spent my birthday week together. He hadn't been to Disney since he was 2 years old (s0 basically never) and we decided that it would be a great way to spend our last few days together. It was. It was beyond perfect. But now I can't think of Disney without thinking of him. The hat I wore to work for Halloween was a gift from him on that trip. It will forever be associated with memories of him. Mind you I've been to Disney more times than I care to count...I've been to Disney with 2 other boyfriends in my life. Yet somehow I never associated Disney with them. So of course it would happen that I will forever associate it now with my ex.

Because life is sick and twisted at times. Just like watching Jurassic Park, eating at the Icebox, going to Santa's Enchanted Forest, spending lazy days at my pool, playing God of War 2, Chik-fil-A...seriously this list could go on forever.

After thinking about this much longer than I wanted to, I had finally had enough. I packed up all his stuff and stuck it in a bag. I walked into work this morning and jammed it all into a Fed Ex box with a note and sent it off. At least those bits of him are out of the way. Now how to get rid of the rest.

Blog Geek Heaven

Well maybe not heaven but definitely a really nice place filled with fluffy clouds. As you know I went out on a date this weekend. Nice guy, sweet, funny the whole deal. Well in conversation I mentioned that I had a blog and that I blog about my life and whatever random nonsense comes into my mind. He was obviously a tad worried, he knew our date was going to be blog fodder.

We talked about it a bit more and kind of dropped it. He read my blog, which was cool and told me that he was kind of interested in doing one. But never had.

Well guess what, he totally has one now. He finally did it. See guys, I always knew it. I am totally inspirational. Even to a teacher, whose very existence is supposed to inspire. No seriously, I'm a total geek. But you know what, thats inspirational too.

What! props for me!

Making Amends...Sort Of

Yesterday, I was asked to e-mail the ex-hubby by a friend regarding some computer work. The ex-hubby is putting it lightly, a computer genius. No lie. I e-mailed back and forth with him trying to get answers for my friend. Very short, sweet and civil.

Imagine my surprise when about 30 minutes later I get a phone call from him. He started talking to me about my friends needs and what not but eventually steered the conversation into different topics. The weather, his family, my family, Halloween, my love life, the election (he was actually calling me while standing in line to vote - which is of course, the perfect place to catch up with the ex-wife!) To be honest it was a pleasant chat. Which is saying a lot. We haven't been openly hostile (for lack of a better word) towards each other since we filed our taxes several months back, but we haven't been bff's either.

I find its kind of hard to be friends with your ex (especially ex-hubby) when there has been so much bad blood between you. He and I barely got along when we were married. Seriously, the dog would take cover the second we started arguing. So would our friends and family. So the fact that we have reached a place where we can have a civil discussion is kind of nice. And not just any civil discussion but one that goes on for a good 30 minutes.

Not that I want him to be a permanent fixture in my life. Trust me I don't. But its nice to know we can be adults about the whole thing. He even made it a point to mention that he voted No on 2. That's right, even though he is a staunch Republican, he knows what matters. I wish the rest of Florida did too.