Complete and Utter Nerdom

**Disclaimer** the following post is filled with tons of verbiage that only a true dork will understand

No but really I am so freaking excited right now I don't know what to do with myself. So as some of you may or may not know, I play World of Warcraft. Initially I was introduced to this perfection of an MMORPG by my ex-hubby. He played addictively during our marriage (one of the factors which inevitably led to our downfall).

During the course of our marriage I struggled with a way to connect with him and figured even though I had never really been a gamer I would try playing WoW. I created a character a Draenei Shaman named Eleila and immediately fell in love. But it was not to be and even though I fell in love with the game, the ex-hubby refused to play with me. He was too busy with his friends and his own characters to want to play with me or mine.

So I created a new character a lovely little Blood Elf Warlock named Bisque (For the Horde!) and joined a lovely little Guild and made tons of lovely little friends. Even after our breakup and inevitable divorce I continued playing. I had made tons of friends and even dragged one of my RL friends into the game. This is in fact where I met the ex-boyfriend. Yes, I am an uber dork. And proud to be.

About 3 months ago I found that I had been playing less and less. In large part because I had capped at level 70 and had no where else to go. Yes, I could play one of my other 8 characters but my heart truly belongs to my little Bisque so slowly but surely I weened myself off the game focusing on my other hobbies instead. At this point I haven't played in a couple of weeks. I find that I miss it but whenever I log on there is nothing really for me to do, so I wander around for a bit, maybe chat with some guildies and eventually give up.

So imagine my shock and absolute excitement when I logged into www.worldofwarcraft.com today to find that the expansion will be released on November 13!! WOOOOHOOOO!! No seriously I started jumping up in my chair at work. I finally get to go back to the game that I love AND bonus I get to continue leveling my little Bisque!

I'm sooooooo excited, of course I instantly pre-ordered it. I cannot wait. Really.

Let them eat cake. Seriously.

My sister has been stressing about as much as I have been about her Halloween costume. She finally narrowed it down to two costumes but decided that she would order one of them and see how it looked before making her final decision. So yesterday her costume arrived at my office. She was super excited to finally get to see what it looked like on her.

Before I continue I am going to give a bit of a back story on my sister. She is older than me by 1 year and 5 months. Growing up we were always extremely different. I was beyond girly always caring about what I wore, how my hair looked etc. My sister for the most part could care less. As we got older my sister entered her girly phase. My sister has since been extremely adorable. However, come Halloween my sister usually chooses to wear something not so frilly, prissy or girly. While I on the other hand go as girly as I can.

This year when we started talking about costumes my sister said she was thinking of being Amy Whinehouse, I was like "Oh Gosh" really again. Be something adorable Vickie. She ended up really liking the idea of being Marie Antoinette. So she decided to order the costume and see what it looked like. To say it took forever to pick which one of the MA costumes she wanted would be an understatement we looked every where for them. She finally settled on this one:
She was kind of hoping that it would look like poop because it will be a pricey ensemble to put it together but she looked AWESOME in it. She posed and preened around our apartment for about 30 minutes last night. Admiring herself in the mirror. I thought it was hilarious because I have never seen her react that way. She said it felt so weird being all dolled up but she couldn't get over it. She loved it.

I find it hilarious that for the first time in history my sister is going to be girlier than me for Halloween. Yes, Princess Leia is semi-girly, really more nerdy than anything else but still she's a princess. My sister has trumped the princess factor by finding a costume completely decked out in lace, frills, pearls and brocade!

Of course she is putting her Vickie twist on it, she will be sporting a sizable gash in her neck, a la Marie post beheading.

Rainy Day Adventure

Okay so basically its freaking pouring. And when I say pouring I mean like mini-hurricane.

My chickadees (my lovely friends/staff) decided that we were going to go out and grab a soup for lunch at Au Bon Pain. Any other day brilliant plan, today, wow! bad idea. As we started to leave we realized it was a tad cloudy so we rushed back into get an umbrella. We ended up with 2 even though there are 3 of us and since mine is a fabulous bubble I decided I would share with Marisol.

The second we get out into the corridor the heavens opened up and what came down was RIDICULOUS! So even though Marisol and I were sharing my bubble we both got soaked. Like literally, her shirt was stuck to her back and see through and my pants were dripping with water. Nick was the least dry of the three. When we finally get there lo and behold they are giving out free ice-cream. So what do you think, every single person in existence who works on campus is there waiting to get ice cream.

We finally get out soups and after trying to scrounge around for a table we end up finding one that is semi-wet in the corner. Au Bon Pain is next to a covered outdoor picnic area. So we dry off the chairs and tuck in for lunch. But oh no it was not to be so simple. The winds kick up and the rain comes down even harder and as we are sitting there eating under the roof we are getting wet. So much so that Nick and I opened our umbrellas and covered ourselves whilst we ate our soups. I at the very least looked adorable eating in my clear little bubble.

We finally finished eating and Marisol is debating wether or not she wants to get some ice cream but is too shy to ask if it is for all to partake or for certain individuals. Nick finally musters up the necesary courage and asks. Thwarted, only for certain departments! But really who the hell wants to eat ice cream when you are soaked and freezing from a typhoon. Apparentely, Nick and Marisol. Slightly pouty, sleepy, soaked and full we make our way back to the office amid even more rain.

I am now sitting in my office debating wether or not I should change my pants for the pair I have hanging behind my door or just sit here moist and cranky air drying.

Ex-Hubby and the big 3-0

Today is my ex-husbands 30th birthday. This obviously brings with it a plethora of memories that have been buried for quiet a while. Surprisingly, I found that the memories or not really unwelcome. This is not to say that I miss him or want him back in my life, just that the memories of some of the good times we shared together aren't bad. Thinking back to his Surprise Cowboy themed birthday party I threw him in the middle of a hurricane just made me smile. The insane outfit I put on him while blindfolded, including the tightest t-shirt I could find that said Cowboys are Better Lovers (which I still use frequently) made me giggle. Those memories although tied to a not so great relationship are still good ones for me.

The fact that we had a bad ending shouldn't take away from some of the good middle we had, and I don't think it will. As I was talking to his mother this morning (I work with her, yes, this is very strange and awkward) she says "You know its **** birthday today." My first reaction was to get a bit upset and give some sort of mean retort. Of course I know today is his birthday, I was married to him for almost 2 years and with him for 3 more. I celebrated 5 years of his birthday with him. Of course I know its today. But I didn't, instead I smiled and said "Yes, I know, I am going to send him an e-mail later".

This was something I was thinking about this morning as I was getting ready for work. Even though 2 months ago for my 26th birthday he didn't call me, e-mail, text me, nothing. Not because he forgot, that would be impossible as our first date was on my 21st birthday, but because he chose not to. I decided that I would wish him a Happy Birthday. It is the least I could do. Yes we have had a very rough time of our limited history together but now that I find myself so distanced from him and all the bad that existed because of our relationship. I find I can be rational about it and wish him a great day.

His response was quick, he thanked me, made a joke about being over the hill and told me briefly about his vacation this past week. Considering how communication has been between us these last couple of months, it was very positive. Not that I want this to become a habit, I'm fine with communication between us being limited to emergencies, business and birthdays. I'm glad I did it though. It feels good to know that a midst a crap-ass divorce I was able to still be a good person and wish him a great day.

Music for the Soul (and the masses)

Isn't it amazing how the perfect song can explain how you feel.  Someone whose never met you, never looked into your little world, watched your heart soar or break is able to put exactly how you are feeling into words.  

I have often said that music is the best therapy.  At the end of a hard day the right song can give you that little burst of energy that you need to make it through.  It can help heal a heart thats lonely, sad or broken.  Put a little extra bounce in your step as you get ready to go out for the evening.  Give you the words you needed to tell a friend exactly what they need to hear.

If I could ask God for one talent it would be to be able to write songs, so that I could help others with beautiful words and music as I have been helped so often in my life.  To me the lyrics make the song.  One line in it can touch me as nothing else has.  I love to share these beauties with the people in my life.  I can't tell you how often I would tell my ex-boyfriend "Oh, the lyrics to this song are so amazing!"  And when I made him a "mix-tape"  (read 4 cd's, because I am crazy)  I chose songs that meant something to me in hopes that he would love the songs and the lyrics as I did.  Of course I threw in a few silly little gems for laughs but to me making those cd's was one of the most personal things I have ever done.  So much so, that I had never done it before.  I guess that, in and of itself, should tell me how much it means to me.  I had never truly shared it with anyone until that point.  

The funny thing about that perfect song, is that it can also break your world into little pieces. Getting over a break-up is never easy but oh gosh how your heart aches when that one special song you shared comes on the radio or on your ipod.  

I find that I go through phases, and they repeat often.  The sad phase in which I listen to songs that were specific to them, the happy phase in which I listen to songs that make me want to dance or that I just love, the angry phase in which I listen to songs that tell me what a piece of crap they were (whether they actually were or not), the reminiscing phase in which I play songs that remind me of the good times.  

Seeing as how my life is currently one extremely jumbled mix of all of the above phases I decided to make a playlist in which I mixed all of them up.  Hoping it would be my very own little therapist.  I'm not labeling which song represents which phase, I'm sure you can figure it out.  Consider this a mix-tape to broken hearts and my tiny little blogging world:

I'm Not Okay (I Promise) - My Chemical Romance 
Fall for You -  Secondhand Serenade 
Makes Me Wonder -  Maroon 5 
Mad About You - Belinda Carlisle 
Won't Go Home Without You - Maroon 5 
No Air - Jordin Sparks & Chris Brown 
I Want to Break Free - Queen 
Lost - Anouk 
Untouched - The Veronicas 
I'd Rather Dance With You - Kings of Convenience 
S.O.S. - Jonas Brothers 
Don't Let Me Fall - Lenka 
Gotta Find You -  Joe Jonas 
No Myth - Graham Colton 
Lovely Tonight - Joshua Radin 
Breathe Your Name - Sixpence None The Richer 
Your Guardian Angel - The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus 
Beautiful Disaster - Jon McLaughlin 
Where Do Broken Hearts Go -  Me First and The Gimme Gimmes 
If You Leave -  Nada Surf 
I Could Have Danced All Night -  My Fair Lady ST
Realize - Colbie Caillat 
Just Dance - Lady GaGa 
I Guess That's Why They Call It the Blues -  Elton John 
Baby, Baby - Amy Grant 
Grand Theft Autumn/Where Is Your Boy - Fall Out Boy 
Breathe Me - Sia 
Take a Chance on Me - ABBA
Ave Maria - Céline Dion 
Let It Reign - Scott Stewart 
Mercy - Duffy 
Worn Me Down - Rachael Yamagata 
First Day of My Life - Bright Eyes 
That's What You Get - Paramore 
I'm Yours - Jason Mraz 
Bleeding Love - Leona Lewis 
Love Song - Sara Bareilles 
Don't Stop the Music - Rihanna 
Check Yes Juliet - We the Kings 
Hey Jude - Across the Universe ST
The Curse of Being In Love - Sondre Lerche & The Faces Down Quartet 
Last Request - Paolo Nutini 
For Once in My Life - Stevie Wonder 
To Where You Are - Josh Groban 
Complainte De La Butte - Rufus Wainwright 
The Space Between - Dave Matthews Band 
On A High - Duncan Sheik 
Out of Reach - Gabrielle 
Comfortable - John Mayer 
La Vida Es Un Carnaval - Celia Cruz 
Young Folks - Peter Bjorn And John 
Lovebug - Jonas Brothers 
Hate That I Love You - Rihanna 
Bubbly - Colbie Caillat 
She's Fantastic - Sondre Lerche 
Find Another You - John Mayer 
Dreaming With a Broken Heart - John Mayer 
Big Girl (You Are Beautiful) -  Mika 
1 2 3 4 - Feist 
Sea Lion Woman - Feist 
Disco 2000 - Pulp 
Fidelity - Regina Spektor 
The Pieces Don't Fit Anymore - James Morrison 
Better Man - James Morrison 
She Moves In Her Own Way - The Kooks 
Naive - Lilly Allen 
Hold Me Now - The Polyphonic Spree 
Wig in a Box - Wig in a Box - Songs From and Inspired By Hedwig and the Angry Inch 
Besame Mucho - Great Expectations ST
The Blues are Still Blue - Belle and Sebastian 
Canned Heat - Jamiroquai 
Dont Bring Me Down  - Electric Light Orchestra 
Golden Years - David Bowie 
How Deep Is Your Love - Bee Gees
I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You - Colin Hay 
I Will Survive - Cake 
Knock On Wood - Amy Stewart 
Love of My Life -  Santana 
My Fair Lady - The Bird & The Bee 
Never There -  Cake 
She Don't Use Jelly - The Flaming Lips 
Snakes on a Plane -  Cobra Starship 
Such Great Heights - Iron & Wine 
Sugar Daddy - Wig In A Box: Songs From & Inspired By Hedwig And The Angry Inch
Two Of Us - Aimee Mann & Michael Penn 
We Intertwined - The Hush Sound 
Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da - The Beatles 
Baby I Got Your Money - ODB 
Borderline - Madonna 
Cecilia -  Simon & Garfunkel 
Clark Gable - The Postal Service 
Don't Stop Till You Get Enough - Michael Jackson 
Fade Into You - Mazzy Star 
Finding Out True Love Is Blind - Louis XIV 
Get Over It - OK Go 
Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now  - The Smiths 
I Don't Feel Like Dancing - Scissor Sisters 
I Turn My Camera On - Spoon 
In Your Eyes - Peter Gabriel 
It's A Sin - Pet Shop Boys 
Mah Na Mah Na - The Muppet Show 
Nothing Better - The Postal Service 
Portions of Foxes - Rilo Kiley 
Shake Our Tree - The Rosebuds 
Sweet Caroline - Neil Diamond 
When I Get You Alone - Robin Thicke 
I Finally Found Someone - Barbara Striesand & Bryan Adams 
Move Along - The All-American Rejects 
The Big Hurt - Tribeca 
Come On! Feel The Illinoise! - Sufjan Stevens 
I'm Looking Through You - The Wallflowers 
A Sorta Fairytale - Tori Amos 
This Is Such A Pity - Weezer 
Wolf Like Me - TV On The Radio 
It Ends Tonight - The All-American Rejects 
The Sound of Settling - Death Cab for Cutie 
Be Still My Heart - The Postal Service 
Against All Odds - The Postal Service 
When The Stars Go Blue - Ryan Adams 
I Will Follow You Into The Dark - Death Cab For Cutie 
The Queen and I - Gym Class Heroes 
Fat Bottomed Girls - Queen 
Keep The Car Running - The Arcade Fire 
Fire It Up  - Modest Mouse 
The Heinrich Maneuver - Interpol 
Falling Slowly - Glen Hansard & Markéta Irglová,  Once ST
Trouble Sleeping - Corinne Bailey Rae 
Hit or Miss - New Found Glory 

100 Things

No, this is not an original idea, it is fully stolen from another blog which I love http://stateiamin.com/. I figured it would allow my readers (who don't already know me) to learn a bit about me and my history.

1. The name is Jossie - with two s's (my mom liked it better that way)
   
2. I was named after my mothers brother who died two weeks before I was born, his name was Jose
   
3. I have a ton of nicknames including but not limited to: Jos, Joselyn, JJ Kapow, Jossie Posie, Scummy and Caca (yes that does in fact mean shit in spanish)
   
4. I am 26
5. I was born in July and am a Cancer/Leo cusp
   
6. My parents have been married for 30 years and dated for 7 years before that.
7. They are still VERY much in love and super gross.
8. My mother has 6 borthers, my dad 1 sister
9. Between them I have 20 first cousins
10. Both my grandfathers died when I was a little girl
11. I still think of them often
12. Both my grandmothers are still alive, my mom's mom is my favorite
13. I have one older sister.
    
14. She is one of my best friends along with my mom
15. My other best friends are Angelica and Teresa
16. I've known Angelica since I was 7, we've been BFF's since the first day we met
17. I met Teresa through my sister and hated her for a good 5 years
18. I am divorced.
    
19. I have a dog named Bailey
20. She is my pride and joy and was a gift from my ex-husband
21. She was given to me after we dated for a month.
22. She is still the best gift I have ever been given.
23. She sleeps in between my legs
24. When I am away or she is I don't sleep as well because I miss her warmth :-(
25. I studied British Lit. and History in college
26. I never finished my degree
27. I will before I die
28. I've worked at a charity for the last 5 years
29. I plan all the special events
30. I have the best staff/friends imaginable
31. I am committed to the mission and the good I do more than the money I make
32. I am an avid reader, and when I say avid I mean rabid
33. I have a huge book collection and add to it almost daily
34. I love lending people books and spreading the joy
    
35. But I hate when they mistreat them and give them back destroyed (or damaged in any way shape or form)
36. My dream is to open my own bookstore
37. I will absolutely realize this dream before I die
38. I have several hobbies that take up my nights
39. I crotchet, embroider, take photos, play video games
    
40. Embroidery is my favorite of these
41. I love clothes and will eventually start embellishing my own clothes to make them more me
42. I spend WAY too much money shopping for nonsense
43. My greatest talent is napping
44. Especially on rainy days, after lunch, on the weekend, with my dog...this could go on forever
    
45. My favorite city in the world is London
46. I would live there if I could even for a short time.
47. I was born and raised in Miami
48. I don't like it here
49. Traveling the world is one of my life goals
50. I am passionate about animals and animal charities and support several regularly
51. I love television and develop love affairs with shows
52. Buffy the Vampire Slayer is one of these
53. Jane Austen is my favorite author.
54. I have read Pride and Prejudice at least 75 times
55. I have read all of her other works as well
56. I own 15 copies of P&P and at least 3 of each of her other books
57. I cried standing in the British Library when I saw her writing desk and read some of her actual pages from Persuasion
58. I immediately called my mother to share it with someone who would understand
59. I love music
60. Music helps me understand things that I feel but cannot put into words
61. I hate exercising
    
62. I eat cheese daily
63. And bread
64. I am slowly discovering my spirituality and find it BEYOND amazing
65. I do little dances when I am being silly
66. I sing "I Could Have Danced All Night" from My Fair Lady often
67. My sister hates when I do this
68. I have a super secret alter ego that only a handful of people in my life have ever seen
    
69. My favorite holiday is Christmas
70. My sister and I still leave a note to Santa, with beer and pretzels
71. I open presents on Christmas morning, NOT Christmas Eve. That is cheating
72. I have only been in love once in my life.
    
73. Sadly, I realized recently it was not with my ex-husband
74. I don't know how to drive
75. I am single
    
76. I love the outdoors but hate sweating
77. I am deathly afraid of lizards
78. This my sister hates
79. I think my bed is one of the happiest places on Earth
80. And Disneyworld
81. I've been to Disney more times than I care to count
82. If I ever get married again it will be much more simple and personal
83. I am painfully shy
84. I suffer from random bouts of insomnia during the summer months.
85. I am a sci-fi geek, as is the rest of my family
86. One of my best memories from chidhood was Star Wars weekends, where we all did nothing but watch all 3 Star Wars back to back to back
87. I plan on doing this with my children
88. I am also a Trekie.
89. They are not mutually exclusive in my world
90. I have suffered from migraines since I was a little girl
    
91. I play computer games but suck at console games
92. I love my Mac
93. I have a huge movie collection, mostly made up of trashy romanctic comedies and movies based on books
94. I have the entire American AND British version of the Harry Potter Series
95. The British version was a gift from my ex-boyfriend
96. That was the second best gift I have ever been given
97. I collect Harry Potters from different countries I have visited
98. I love playing board games during a hurricane
99. It is impossible for me to sleep with socks on
100. I will do anything in my power to avoid doing dishes and ironing
     

And So Guilt Makes His Exit

I have somehow always thought that if guilt was a sex it would be male. What does that tell you about me. Probably that I have had one too many horrible relationships that ended in betrayal. And sadly, you would be right.

I have found over the last several weeks of alone-time that I have finally realized what I want in a relationship and what the perfect man for me will be. Funnily enough, it is light years away from most of the men I have dated. I think its because I've realized that I have never been truly valued for me. Who I am. Not what I provide for them, or make them feel. But for who I AM. In all my glory, good or bad.

I don't want someone who is going to be happy for a short period of time and then start to realize that they aren't as happy with me as they could be with someone else. Who could potentially be driven to cheat, or stray in any way. I don't want to feel guilty for driving them to that or allow them to feel guilty for even thinking that.

I want someone who will love me first thing in the morning when my hair is a crazy frizzy mess and can actually look me in the eyes and tell me that I am beautiful. Someone who will love my dog and her crazy quirkiness, who doesn't mind sharing the bed and Saturday morning snuggles with my four legged child. Someone who thinks my absolute nerdiness is sexy, loves that I read to no end and act more like an old lady than a 26 year old. Someone who will spend a whole day with me snuggling on the sofa playing video games, watching movies and filling our stomach with nothing but complete and utter trash. Who will take care of me on days that I am paralyzed with a migraine and never say that I ruin everything because of it. Love my family and understand that we are a bit avant-garde but realize that it is exactly that, that shaped me into the person I am. Someone who wants to have children and raise them in a house filled with love, fun and tolerance. I want someone that I can be my silly self with, make faces, crack jokes, do my crazy dances, someone who won't roll their eyes but will instead get up and dance with me.

More than anything I want someone who will love me for me. Not expect me to change to become what they always wanted as I would never expect them to. Instead realize that I with all my quirks, nerdiness, shyness and fears was perfectly put together for them as they were for me.

I don't know if that perfect man will ever come into my life. But I sure hope so.

TidBits of Pure Awesomeness - Volume 2

In today's installment I have 3 gems.

The Best Hobby You Could Ever Have: My favorite site for beyond adorable embroidery patterns. I seriously live on this site and when I am fully stocked up I check back periodically for new patterns. If you've never embroidered, do it. Super easy, fun and bonus! its adorable. I've spent the last several months embroidering anything and everything I can get my hands on and its been so worth it. There are even a few adorable babies out there sporting some of my embroidery work. Sublime Stitching has how to books, starter kits, textiles, needles, embroidery floss. Really anything you could need. Trust me when I say its a great hobby, one worth picking up. Below are one of Sublime Stitching's book chock full of embroidery patters, 3 of my fave patterns and a starter kit. The very same one I started with :-)








Price Range : SUPER affordable
Quality: I have been beyond happy with my purchases from her
Website: www.sublimestitching.com












































The Best Site For Affordable Adorableness: This is my go-to site for cute shoes and accessories. One of the best things about this site is their suggested outfit on their home page. They always put together something beyond adorable and bonus! you can buy it ALL there. They update often so I usually check every couple of weeks and always find something cute that someone I know HAS to have. A la adorable robot Christmas ornaments below. I actually own the little grey beauties below and get complimented every time I wear them. They are also uber comfy.


























Price Range : Moderately priced
Quality: Good quality, make sure you check measurements and take the material into consideration
Website: www.shopplasticland.com








The Best Site For Pricey But Awesome Finds:I absolutely LOVE this site, I lurk often but purchase fleetingly. They have the cutest dresses and handbags. The shoes are for the most part affordably priced but I tend to reserve this gem for a special treat, event or party. They carry one-of-a-kind pieces, which are soooo cute but usually don't match my measurements, sadly.




























Price Range : Pricey
Quality: The Shoes are great as are the dresses but keep in mind they carry different labels so there is the possibility of getting a dud.
Website: www.modcloth.com




Enjoy and happy shopping!!

Ughhh

Its a seriously boring day. And its cloudy and rainy. Its supposed to get cooler, hence the rain. But its def. not helping me get through this day, all I want to do is crawl in bed and snugglefest with my snausage while we both nap.

Its a Done Deal!

I have finally decided and subsequently purchased the Princess Leia costume. Who was I kidding it was always going to be that. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if Star Wars geek that I am I didn't represent for the peeps. (I'm sorry, I don't even know where that came from)

So unless I look like a complete sausage in it, look for me Halloween 2008 rocking a party near you (if you live in Miami) as the hottest sci-fi chick ever!

Just Too Many Options

Last night while watching the season premier of How I Met Your Mother (Barney was hilarious) the topic of ones favorite movie came up when Ted realizes that whatever that girls name is, has never seen Star Wars.

Now, I'm not going to lie, I have that same reaction whenever someone tells me they haven't seen a movie I hold near and dear to my heart. Just ask my ex boyfriend, poor man, he spent 9 months being forced to watch tons of movie that I couldn't fathom he had never seen. Such as: The Dark Crystal, Serenity, Flash Gordon etc. This list could go on forever, I have told him he should be ashamed of that fact, but he refuses to be.

So as my sister and I were watching the show, I paused it (greatest invention ever) and asked her what her all time favorite movie was. She looked at me blankly and responded " EVER!". She couldn't tell me. I felt smug, I had stumped her and then she turned the question on me and I had the same exact reaction.

I mean I truly love movies but I couldn't pick just one all time favorite. We started to try to break it down into categories and pick our favorite from each. But even that was damn near impossible. For instance, how do you ask a Sci-Fi geek like myself to pick a favorite...well the obvious choice would be Star Wars, and when pressed I will concede that yes, I would be happy watching that movie over and over again, but that still leaves such gems as Serenity and the Fifth Element out. Both of which I have watched more times than I care to admit, almost as many as Star Wars in fact.

The same goes for Romantic Dramas. My first reaction was Moulin Rouge, but, that is also a musical and I couldn't watch that movie over and over again like I could Star Wars. But now lets say a movie like Pride and Prejudice, well I could watch that on a loop for 3 days and still not be tired of it. So what I discovered is that the only real way for me to distinguish a favorite from a movie I love is the playability factor. How often do I really think I could sit through it? This separates the true movie loves of my life from the movie friendships and even illicit affairs.

I still couldn't pick a favorite but who says you have to only have one.

Abandonment of the Most Serious Kind

I am officially worried that my taste buds have decided to abandon me. I do not know what would have motivated them to do such a thing because I truly love them (as any true blue fatty would) and I try my best to keep them from experiencing 3rd degree burns. However, I have formed, after very careful study the following evidence that they have in fact left the building (or the mouth):

1 - My coffee this morning was not as French Vanilla-y as it usually is. I typically have to follow my coffee with a glass of water to take the oh-so-sugary french vanilla after taste out of my mouth. Not so today.

2- The bread sticks dunked in Ceaser dressing that I ate today along with my soup were not as tangy as usual. The bread sticks however were deliciously moist. I realize that telling the world that I eat my bread sticks with a vat of dressing will officially make me a proud card holding members of Fatty's of the World United. But I don't care.

3- As previously mentioned I enjoyed a soup with my bread sticks and dressing, said soup, Clam Chowder, was not as creamy and delicious or clammy as usual.

4- The Gold Peak sweetened tea that I topped my meal off with, while usually the absolute joy of my week did not live up to the expectation that I had allowed myself to create in finally getting to enjoy one. It was also just meh!

5- Last but certainly not least, as I consider this the worst offense of the day, my Cheddar and Sour Cream potato chips I purchased to enjoy as my afternoon snack had the GROSSEST after taste ever! This is unforgivable. Anyone who knows me can attest to my insane love affair with cheese and potato chips. When their powers combine they achieve a level of perfection unmatched since their creation.

Thus, I lay before you the quiet obvious case that I have carefully compiled to prove to the world that my taste buds have in fact cut tail and run. What am I to do? How am I ever to survive without them? Will I ever be able to fully experience the deliciousness that is cheese again, or pasta smothered in cheese or crackers and cheese.

This is a truly sad day. One can only hope that after a short absence they will realize how much they truly belong to me and will return triumphantly.

iPhone poopfest

My iphone has completely crapped out on me! It hasn't been syncing for the last week or so with my mail server to retrieve my e-mails for work. Today, I finally decided that I could not procrastinate any longer, so I took it to my resident Mac genius, Marc.

He fiddled with it for about 15 minutes the entire time mumbling under his breathe like a crotchety old man, or what I would imagine Scrooge to sound like. Either one fits him, take your pick. Then he said "You suck so much even your iPhone hates you."

Nice, Marc. I feel the love.

So now I get to call the geniuses (read: idiots) in the IT department and hope that they can get it fixed ASAP. In real speak that means I will be out of my phone for several days as they sit with it in their office go through all of my crap and pretend to fix it. The joys of technology!

Edit - ROCK!! My assistant took the phone to IT, flirted with the chick who attended him and came back to me 20 minutes later with a perfectly working and syncing phone. WOOT! Male assistants rock!

x365

I've been inspired by someone with the best idea I've heard of in a long time to create a secondary blog to house a new "project". Everyday I will pick a person in my life, current or past and write 50 words about them. Easily the best way I've heard of to get a retrospect on your life and what the people who have touched it have meant to you. I won't be talking about it here and its a completely separate blog so if you ever get curious pass by: www.cloudbug365.blogspot.com

TidBits of Pure Awesomeness - Volume 1

So I have decided to share the love with the world at large and give up some of my super awesome shopping gems. As my sister likes to say I give great gifts because I spend soo much time online shopping I always find the PERFECT present. I figured that since I do dedicate so much time to finding that perfect gift it would only be fair for me to share it with those unable to spend their nights and weekends searching the web for that perfect little something to give their friends and loved ones.

I'll post these from time to time so expect pure awesomeness coming your way. For this first edition I am going to divulge the easier to find treasure troves of adorableness.

For the Best T-Shirts in all the Land - Designed by people just like you and me this site has a HUGE inventory of clever and adorable tshirts. They carry shirts for men, women and kids. They've recently branched out and also started printing some of the tshirt designs as art prints. I shop here frequently for everyone in my life and have yet to see a dissapointed face when they see their super awesome t-shirt.

Price Range : Very Affordable with frequent sales
Quality: Super Comfy and well made
Website: http://www.threadless.com/



The Best Place for Stuff You Never Knew You Needed - Compiled by the best team in existence they scower the world for sweet little finds and then house them all in one of the funnest websites ever, complete with their own Radio player filled with mixtapes put together by their amazing staff. I find amazing gifts here as well as super cute clothing for me!
























Price Range : Can be a bit pricey but overall not too bad

Quality: Keep in mind they don't manufacture the stuff, but thus far I have never been dissapointed

Website: http://www.fredflare.com/

The Cutest Vintage Reproductions and Other Girly Goodness: Truly my hidden gem, this is where I buy all of my adorable dresses for events. I have yet to wear one without receiving tons of compliments. They also carry shoes, jewelry, bathing suits accessories and during Halloween great costumes. This site easily makes my top 5 favorite websites.

Price Range: From Moderate to Pricey, but for dresses and accesories this cute its totally worth it

Quality: Great quality, they carry different labels but so far so good

Website: http://www.pinupgirlclothing.com/

Little Bits of Hope

What if you could brighten a perfect strangers day, without ever speaking to them? What if you could encourage someone without even knowing their name?

On Sunday, I wrote about the Nielsen family and how amazing and moving their story was. While reading their actual blog I stumbled across an amazing post that really triggered something inside of me. Immediately after reading it I went out to living room and told my sister about it. Its the kind of thing that seems silly but upon further reflection is really truly amazing.

In the blog she called it "happy fortunes" they make little slips of paper with phrases on it like:

You are Wonderful

You are Beautiful

God Loves You

You Are Perfect

You Are Like a Rainbow

*photo taken from the NieRecovery blog

Once they have made them they go around their town and hide said fortunes in completelt random places where they can be found. They were actually able to witness someone pick up one of their fortunes, read it and smile. He then put it in his pocket and walked away. I couldn't help thinking how absolutely magical it was to be able to brighten the day of a perfect stranger. And really, how difficult is it to take a couple hours out of one of your days to make someone happy. This is something that I am going to institute in my life. You never know how much good one random act of kindness can do to someone in desperate need of it.

The simplest act can mean the world to someone.

To Boop or to Kick Empire Ass!

Saturday my sister and I got together with our BFF, yes we have the same one, and spent the evening looking at and researching Halloween costume options. After many hours we found a costume for our BFF, she is going to be an ADORABLE peacock. However my sister and I still couldn't figure out what we wanted to be. I at the very least whittled down my choices to 2 . They are:

Option 1 - Betty Boop:
I have wanted to be Betty Boop for the last couple of years but for whatever reason have never actually taken the plunge. I looked at the costume again this year and it is still calling to me. My main issue with this costume is whether or not I will look like a complete slut in it :-( My sister seems to think that because of my "attributes" I will look like a ho regardless.
Option 2 - Princess Leia:
Being the MASSIVE Star Wars geek that I am, this seems like an obvious choice for me. Its adorable and I would get to wear the beyond AWESOME Leia buns. To many, having to wear a wig would be a turn off but seeing as how I will have to with either choice it really isn't playing into my decision. I can't help but feel a slight rumble of geeky excitement at the possibility of being Leia. With this costume however I would have to purchase the boots and a gun, Leia sadly does not use light sabers, hence I wouldn't be able to wear mine.

I am completely torn! They are both equally adorable and I think they are both really good fits for my personality. My sister and bff suggested ordering both and seeing which looks best and then returning the other. That is always an option, OR I could just keep them both and walk around my house like a crazy in a Halloween costume when the mood strikes.

Chock Full of Hope

I happened upon this blog today while reading another one of my daily blogs and the story behind it touched me so much I found myself crying.  As I read a bit more about it and read some of the old blog posts I thought that this was something worthy of being shared.  It reminded me of the sweetness of another of my favorite bloggers frecklewonder.  

This link will take you to the main page but you will notice it has several links one of which is the original blog.  It is so sweet and uplifting despite the sadness that enshrouds it, you wouldn't believe it.  Unfortunately, the story is very sad but inspiring nonetheless and shows the difference one little family can make in the lives of so many, even perfect strangers.

I hope you enjoy it:

You can't help but hope, reading the blog, that one day you will be as blessed as they have been with such a wonderful and loving family.  And despite their hardships you know their faith is still thriving.  

Obsessive Much

So I have this weird thing that I do, that most people don't even know about...I like to collect things not just for the sake of collecting them but because I really love them/need them.  But once I have amassed said collection I like to reorganize them over and over again.  I don't know why I do this...it started years ago with very mundane things like icons.  

I became icon crazy when I realized there were entire communities devoted to the collecting and sharing of said icons.  At the time, I was married and my husband wanted to murder me. The amount of space I was taking up on the computer saving and filing these icons was absolutely ridiculous.  I would create a file called icons and a sub file with the general theme i.e. movies, books, tv, quotes, clothes etc.  Within those sub files I would create even more sub files, and so on and so on.  It was a sickness.  

I have found over the years that this has carried over to other aspects of my life.  For example several months ago I decided that it was imperative that I keep a cataloged list of every book I have ever read by category, author name, title and then rate it.  If I could have found a way to incorporate pictures in there without crashing my computer I would have.  I slaved over my list for days and even went so far as purchasing an adorable little moleskin to keep tabs of books that I randomly remembered when i was away from the computer as well as books that I wanted to purchase.  I still carry this little treasure trove of dorky loveliness in my purse on a daily basis.  When I switch purses the book switches with me.  

A couple of weeks ago while on vacation I decided to add a new level to my book obsession by reorganizing the bookshelves in my house. This was no small feat.  I spent a good 4 hours sorting books and carefully arranging them by authors last name on the shelf.  The result of which is probably the crowning achievement in my crazy little organizing obsession.  I am so proud of this in fact I wanted to share it with the world.  Honestly, I was sad the project was done, so much so, I am thinking of offering to do it for my friends, just because.

After all, I have color coded my accessory chest, color coded all my embroidery floss, alphabetized my dvd collection and now have nothing left to organize :-(  Whatever will I do!

    

DVD's  Completely and Heavenly Alphabetized

"It Was The Best Of Times, It Was The Worst Of Times"

At today's board meeting my boss used that opening line from A Tale of Two Cities to describe what it is like in our office right now. I've gotta say it made me think about that in terms of my life as well.

For me the latest chapter in my life has been filled with ups and downs, more downs than up sadly. At this time last year I was still married, extremely unhappy, trying to maneuver myself around in a semi-new position while simultaneously figuring out what I wanted to do with my personal life. I never would have thought that one measly little year could have brought such a drastic change. Even though I was unhappy in my marriage, my life was on track, I knew what I was doing and where I was going. My future was clearly laid before me and it was fine. Not great, not happy, not what I had always dreamed of, but fine.

"The Worst of Times" Then the first few days of October everything changed, I started to realize how desperately bad our situation was and it started to eat at my insides. I had been miserable for the last 6 months and so was he. More importantly I realized I didn't love him...this wasn't the way I wanted to spend the rest of my life with someone who didn't appreciate me for who I was or what I had to offer. We argued all the time, he disrespected me constantly and everyone around me saw it but I had refused to for the last 4 years to acknowledge it. That fateful day in October I wrote him an e-mail to put it all out in the universe for him to chew on and we both agreed that it wasn't worth it. Of course there are other factors that came into play but I'm not going to go into more detail than that. By the 2nd week of October I had found a place to live with my sister and started packing because as of November 30 I would leave the life I knew behind. We filed for divorce that same week in October. He was planning on moving into the Loft that we had purchased jointly and that would be that. Except it wasn't, he couldn't move in when he initially thought so I had to spend an agonizing month and half still living under the same roof with him. Sharing the same bed, bathroom etc. It wasn't something I would wish on my worst enemy.

During this time I realized that I had developed feelings for someone else. Something, I neither wanted or welcomed. I had decided after the talk with my ex husband that what I needed was some time to myself. I would be moving in with my sister and oh how much fun it would be to reconnect with her and be alone for the first time in ages. But that wasn't to be, this person, this relationship was something I couldn't stay away from even though he lived 400 miles away. Within a couple of weeks he flew down tovisit me and we were officially head over heels. In hindsight I think rushing into things did much more damage than it did any good for either one of us. The fact that I was not officially divorced ate at him like nothing else and while I tried to ignore it, it bothered me too. I am not that kind of girl. How was it that even though I had been faithful through out, I now felt like I was doing something wrong even though my husband and I had gone our separate ways.

"The Best of Times"My relationship with this man lasted for several months. Even though we had a long distance relationship it worked. Almost too easily. We come from two completely different backgrounds, it didn't matter. We were both almost euphorically happy for 9 months. Visiting back and forth almost every month, sometimes twice a month, spending all our time off with each other, our friends and families.

"The Worst of Times - Redux" But that was too good to be true and in July it all ended. We spent my 26th birthday together knowing that after it we wouldn't see each other again. He went back home and that was that. I've struggled with our decision over the last several months. It hasn't been easy, and sometimes I feel so beat up by it I am not sure what to do. Other days are easier and I go on as if all is right in world. As most people would in this situation, I have good days and bad days. At first, we decided to still remain good friends, ever present in each other lives. But after about a month I felt that that is not what God intended, we needed to distance ourselves from one another, not completely but just cut out our daily contact, that was doing much more damage than good. I wish I could say that I took that like a grown woman should, but I didn't. It was my call and my decision to stop talking as much as we were but damn did it ever suck. I remember him saying that most people find the first 2 weeks are the worse but that it gets better as time goes on and you eventually just kind of forget. If only.

Today, is the hardest it has been for me for the last week or so. Its def. a bad day, I haven't cried about this whole thing in about a week but I did last night proving to me that its not getting easier for me. Oh how I wish it would. I have been trying to focus on other things and keep myself occupied but it seems like I am granted only fleeting reprieves from this before I get hit with another wave. I'm optimistic though, I usually don't have more than a day or two of bad before the next calm...so technically today would be the second day meaning tomorrow can only get better.

I think that for this next chapter of my life I could use a more chipper opening line as the underlying theme maybe I can go with Pride and Prejudice, my all time fave book..."It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife." Wouldn't that be an interesting chapter in my life.

The Lizard Debacle

So as almost everyone in the free world knows, I am scared of just about everything. Not normal fears like dying but like complete nonsense for a 26 years old like the dark, driving, lizards etc.

Yesterday when I left the office I was completely useless, I was still tired from Tuesday's event and added to that was the brainlessness that occurred after my never ending meeting. So when I got home needless to say all I wanted to do was pour myself into bed and do nothing. But that was not to be.

As I opened my front door I saw that a tiny little lizard had managed to weasel his way into my apartment. I immediately flipped out because I am completely and irrationally afraid of lizards. I jumped as close to the wall as possible without becoming part of it. I quickly realized however that I couldn't just leave it to its own devises. I have learned from past experiences that whenever a lizard gets in and isn't escorted out it manages to find its way into my room.

So I sent Bailey to my room mustered up some courage and got the broom. I opened the front door so that I could allow for his hasty retreat, but it was not to be. I spent about 15 minutes banging on the far side of the sofa, where it had crawled to hide, in hopes that it would run out the other way and out the front door. I started moving the chair underneath the sofa with the broom stick hoping that it would dislodge himself, it didn't happen either. Finally, after about 20 minutes of my useless attempts to flush him out I realized that I would have to, horror of horrors actually move the sofa.

In my mind I could already see this tiny little lizard launching himself on me in attack mode. I was practically hyperventilating as I moved the sofa forward. And lo and behold what was behind it, nothing but a sticky mouse trap placed there by Orkin. And who was stuck in it, Mr. Lizard! I felt really genuinely bad for him, but there was no way I was going to leave him there or touch him to release him. I pondered moving the sofa back and ignoring his very existence, but the mental picture of him miraculously wiggling himself free and coming at me wouldn't leave me be. So I got the broom and swept the mousetrap lizard and all into the hallway and swiftly slammed and LOCKED the door. As if he could turn the damn handle to get in!

After all was said and done, I still couldn't sit on the sofa, I was too scared :-( So I went to bed instead thoroughly drained from the last two days and my lizard ordeal.

By the way this photo is literally making me tremble at my desk....this is not an actual photo but its almost exactly what the freaky lizard looked like.

Mindless Drivel

I have just come back from a committee meeting that I was at since 10:30 this morning...what the F is wrong with my life when I am forced to sit through a 6 hour long meeting. My staff even e-mailed me to ask if I was being held hostage!! The worst part is NOTHING was finalized, NOTHING!!! So I just spent hours of my life that I will never get back for what, to humor some people to make them feel like they have a say in something when in the end most of them could care less and will never come to a meeting again.

To be fair, some of my committee members are really amazing women that are super dedicated to the cause, I could have 6 hour meetings with them everyday and be fine. Well no, not everyday, but you get my point.

The end result was...me brainless. No really, its turned into pudding, and not even a good flavor probably some crap like butterscotch, BLEH! Vomito!!

Tonight is def. a sit and watch movies night, I can't even answer my e-mails right now for fear that I will spew pure and absolute crap. :-(

My life is just one big party

It really is, not necessarily a fun party though. Last nights event went very well, we had a much bigger turn out than expected and with the stragglers that kept wandering in from Lincoln Road, I thought it would never end.

But at around 9:00pm I had to be that mean person and shut down the bar :-( I know I am everyone's least favorite person but its my job.

The event over all went really well, everyone was happy, the speeches were perfect, the food kept coming and was delicious. But that's done so onward to the next one.

I have a 6 hour committee meeting today, so if my next post is pure gibberish, pardon me, my brains would have turned into MUSH!

Adorable Time!

I am having a very busy day today but I really felt the need to share with the world the adorableness that is my little dress today. I have an event tonight so I spiffyed up before coming to work today and the results are....PURE ADORABLE TIME!

This is obviously not me, this is a super fabulous pin up model Bernie Dexter, but any-who you get the idea!

The dress is from: www.pinupgirlclothing.com in case anyone is interested :-)

A Little Reward at the End of a Long Day

So my job, as most peoples, can be quite the pain in the butt...but the reason I stick through it all is because of the warm fuzzy that I get knowing I help people who really need it.  

One of the programs I plan events for, the International Kids Fund (IKF), helps children from all over the world, including the US, who can't get the medical care that they need where they live. Its amazing some of the cases that come in.  Looking at some of the photos and hearing the stories of some of these kids really makes you realize how blessed we really are.  

Recently, we had a little girl from Vietnam whose story was so sad you couldn't but want to help her.  Today, we held a press conference to update the world on her case and show her progress. It's really amazing to see the change in her.  I'm including the link to the ABC article that features Lai.   Its stories like Lai's that make me stick it through every single day.   

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/story?id=5808010&page=1  

http://www.internationalkidsfund.org/  

A Collection of Unparalleled Greatness

Its official, I am now the official queen of trashtastic movies.  Today I received my latest shipment from Amazon.com and I am sad (secretly happy) to report that it was a whose who of craptastic  mo

vies.

In all fairness not all of them were crappy but most normal people would not want to spend money to add these gems to their collection, I however, relish it.  I truly enjoy being able to pull crappy and sappy movies off of my INSANE movie collection when I am enjoying a spectacular mope and fester in some good old fashion girl time.

So to the list of my already questionable movie collection I now add the following jewels:

Don't judge me!!

Sick and Twisted Little Girl

So as I said in a previous post I have spent an insanely embarrassing amount of my free time lately watching TV and sappy movies.

The saddest of the lot being my purchase and subsequent viewing of Camp Rock. Not once, not twice but I went for the Gold THREE times. I procceded to purchase the Camp Rock soundtrack and the last 2 Jonas Brother's cd's and am now the proud owner of a sad little crush on 3 - 15-20 year old boys. I am a sick little girl. I like their voices and as depressing as this is their lyrics. No but seriously, have you heard Lovebug! Its adorable...and the little gem that is "Gotta Find You" from the Camp Rock soundtrack made my sad little wounded heart melt. Why have I never dated anyone who wrote, sang or by golly even played me a song like that!!

Not only are they adorable, they are morally really good boys. Operative word being boys! If I had a kid, which I totally could by this point, these would be the pop idols I'd want them to love. If I was being honest they would also be the basis for my ideal man, adorable, funny, musical, morally upstanding and wear tight pants ;-)

For my own viewing pleasure here is another photo of the 3 cutest brothers in all the land and the lyrics to "Gotta Find You" because its that damn sweet.

Gotta Find You

Everytime I think I'm closer to the heart
Of what it means to know just who I am
I think I've finally found a better place to start
But no one ever seems to understand

I need to try to get to where you are
Could it be you're not that far?

You're the voice I hear inside my head
The reason that I'm singing
I need to find you
I gotta find you
You're the missing piece I need
The song inside of me
I need to find you
I gotta find you
Oh yeah

You're the remedy I'm searchin' hard to find
To fix the puzzle that I see inside
Painting all my dreams the color of your smile
When I find you it will be alright

I need to try to get to where you are
Could it be you're not that far?

You're the voice I hear inside my head
The reason that I'm singing
I need to find you
I gotta find you
You're the missing piece I need
The song inside of me
I need to find you
I gotta find you

Been feeling lost
Cant find the words to say
Spendin' all my time stuck in yesterday
Where you are is where I wanna be
Oh next to you, and you next to me
Ohh...
I need to find you
Yeah

You're the voice I hear inside my head
The reason that I'm singing
I need to find you (I need to find you)
I gotta find you (yeah)
Your the missing piece I need
The song inside of me
I need to find you
I gotta find you(I gotta find you)

You're the voice I hear inside my head
The reason that I'm singing
I need to find you (I need to find you)
I gotta find you (I gotta find you)
Your the missing piece I need
The song inside of me
I need to find you
I gotta find you
Yeaeaahhh
I gotta find you...

History of a Life Well Loved

I found myself pondering my current relationship status this weekend and how in the hell I ever ended up here. I think it all started after a talk I had with my mom and sister on Saturday.

My mom is easily one of the craziest and easiest people to love I have ever met. I think its safe to say that the main reason I am the way I am is because of her. While I have several similarities to my dad such as my temper and my looks the majority of my personality, likes and dislikes are because of my mom. So on Saturday when we had this discussion I realized that there are more differences between us than I originally thought. We were in the car with my sister coming back from a shopping trip when for whatever reason we started talking about men and their ease in hitting on a woman MUCH more attractive than they are. I had read an article about this and thought that it was so bizarre that an unattractive man would have the self esteem it took to hit on someone who looks like a super model. I would never presume to hit on someone but if the day ever came I would make sure to aim a little lower. My sister started saying that for her looks where important but it wasn't the defining factor. A guys personality would go along way for her making someone she originally thought was just kind of okay much more attractive. Then my mother chimes in with " Oh no, not me if the guy isn't hot, I won't even bother" she proceeds to tell us that when she was young she wouldn't even dance with a guy unless he was good looking. That was the main reason she fell for my dad, because he was so good looking. Not to sound gross but, yes my dad was quite the looker when he was young, so I can kind of see my moms point. But had it been me after talking to him for 2 minutes I wouldn't have given him another thought. My mother then tells me that if she was me she would have only gone for one of the guys that I have dated in my life. For the purposes of this blog he shall be called Exhibit A. While yes, he can be qualified as one of the best looking guys I ever dated, he was also ridiculously cocky and surprisingly extremely similar to my dad in both looks and personality. Definitely not my type of guy. Exhibit A however was exactly my mothers cup of tea.
mom and dad

I have historically been a much more open person in my selection of men which my family and friends have ALWAYS laughed at me because of. I don't really go for looks, I tend to start off with intelligence and a sense of humor and then go from there. For me, there really is nothing sexier than someone with brains, this has def. bitten me in the ass during my life. After our little conversation in the car I started to think about all the men that I have ever dated and what they say about me, its funny how different they all are. I realized that I have never been in a relationship with two guys consecutively who have similarities, its like I try to pick my next boyfriend to be the exact opposite of the one that came before. I decided to analyze this theory a little more and as I fell asleep last night I found myself listing their differences and similarities. I decided to analyze the last 5 relationships to try to figure myself out a bit more.

Exhibit E - 1 year. Def. the strangest person I have dated, physically not someone I was overly attracted to, but he was extremely intelligent and dorky (which is also a trait I find exceedingly attractive). He was much older than me, I would say about 5 years, which at the time was a HUGE difference. Overall, I always thought of him as someone to pass the time with. Not someone I ever had strong feelings for but he kept me occupied. He was also a HUGE pothead, something I am adamantly against having never done drugs in my life. Honestly, a waste of a year.

Exhibit M - 4 1/2 years. An amazing person. He was my best friend, intelligent, good looking, funny (albeit borderline corny, but it was his thing) and extremely down to earth. He loved me more than I deserved, the son my parents never had and the man my ENTIRE family expected I would marry. Sadly, while on paper he was perfect, I was never truly in love with him. This relationship I have always felt proves the existence of a misfire in my brain. There was no reason why I shouldn't have been happy with Exhibit M, but somehow I couldn't be.

Exhibit S - 1 1/2 years. A COMPLETE change from Exhibit M. Physically he was shorter than I was, good looking but not in a classical sense. Beyond brilliant. I always felt inferior to him because of how smart he was. He was also the oldest person I ever dated. He was 8 years older than me, not an issue at first but as time wore on it became one. Major issues with my family because of him and even though he was a nice guy also someone I never really loved. When that relationship ended I didn't cry, wasn't sad, just went on like it was a regular day. More than anything else I was relieved.

After Exhibit S, I took a 9 month hiatus from dating, the longest in my life. I know, I know, thats sad but its a fact.


The Ex-Husband - 4 years 5 months. Ummm, yeah, how to describe the person that you thought was a good idea to marry. Well for starters, he was extremely self assured, intelligent, cocky and outgoing. I would say that it was his personality that initially attracted me to him. Physically, he was not bad looking, though def. not classically good looking. We were friends for a while before anything developed and even then, the catalyst that sparked something between us was our friends working behind the scenes to get us together. We started dating for my 21st birthday, what initially seemed to take forever to get off the ground became a huge train, going down hill with the brakes gone. We moved in together 3 weeks after our first date and were engaged one year later. Yes, we initially had fun, he has a great sense of humor but was fond of using it against me and that wore thin. While I am not going to sit here and break down the bad of my marriage because their def. was a lot of bad, I can simply sum it up by saying, we should never have gotten married. We weren't right for each other and didn't really love each other.


Exhibit B - 9 months. The freshest wound in my arsenal. By far, the kindest, and most sincere man I have ever dated. A 100% complete and total opposite from my ex husband. Spiritually enlightened and completely unaware of his own worth and beauty both inside and out. Def. not the easiest relationship I've been in but the most rewarding and happiest I've ever been. He was the first person I truly loved. Still a friend and the person who knows me best. I can't say anything negative about him or the relationship but I learned the most about my self during the short time we were together.


I think my choices in my relationships have really been indicative of where I was at that point in my life. I felt at the end of my last relationship that God was doing it so that I could spend some time focusing on Him, but over the last few days I've realized that it wasn't just that He wants. He wants me to find myself. What I love and hate, enjoy and appreciate without someone else influencing me. I think that He would be happy with me as long as I learn to appreciate myself and what I have to offer not what I become when I am with someone else. For now, I'll just focus all my excess love on the real love of my life - Bailey!

Running Will Only Get You So Far

Have you ever had a dream where you see yourself running but you never quite get to where you are supposed to be...like you started out with no end result in mind and because of it, it just never ends.  Thats what I feel like right now.

So I have spent the last week doing everything I possibly can to keep my mind off of certain things and while for the most part I'm getting the job done I find that I a) am feeling exceedingly guilty about it and b) a memory comes rushing back to backhand me when I least expect it and I find myself floored by it.

I know that my relationship with God is not something that I can ever get away from, as a matter of fact the whole change in my life recently was for me to get closer to Him not further away.  I accept that and now I just need to stop thinking how much simpler my life seemed to be before everything changed and focus on the positives.    And the other, well that is even more complicated than the first because how do you tell your heart to forget someone when it won't let you.  As surprising as it may seem, in my 26 years so far, I have never had my heart broken and while that is not really what happened this time I feel like I am going through what most normal people by this age have gone through at least 2 or 3 times.  And boy does it ever suck!

So I decided tonight for the first time in about 5 days I am going to pick my Bible up and read for a while.  I find I feel more like myself when I do, I hope that still holds true even after this severe case of neglect.  I really need some normalcy in my life.  And I don't know what to do to get it but maybe reverting back to something that always made me feel good and at ease will get me one step closer.

Maybe the end of the road will finally reveal itself to me so my running won't be fruitless after all.

One Small Step for Man...One GIANT Leap for Me!

It is officially official...I have just bought car insurance for the first time.  To the rest of humanity this may seem ridiculous but considering that I am now 26 and still do not know how to drive, in my world this is a big freaking deal.  Why do you ask? Well, for starters this will enable me to get the dumpy little blue car I bought to learn in registered, hence getting a tag for it, hence allowing me to pull it out of my parents drive way where it now sits slowly rotting.  So much so that on a daily basis some guy goes by and leaves a note on the car for my parents that says "Will buy for $300 cash".  My poor blue little baby.  

So hopefully tomorrow I will be able to get it registered and then get the brakes fixed so that I can finally begin to learn how to drive.  YIPEE!  The actual lack of excitement as I type this is insane.  In all honesty though, my hope is, now that I am paying almost $200 a month for insurance I will force myself to learn because the price of the insurance will be slowly eating at my insides.

A girl can dream.

Life is a bad case of Diarrhea

It seems to me like this is the best description of my life lately. I must have eaten something that didn't sit well with my life back in July and since then it has been a deluge of s*** that doesn't stop coming.

I was in a happy relationship and finally learning a bit about myself and what I truly want out of life and then "bam" out comes the poo. I can't say it was completely unexpected, I started to sense that things were going to change, to say I was worried was an understatement. But that's life, its hits you with a bad case of diarrhea every once in a while and sees how well you can hold up to it.

I find myself unmotivated to do much of anything lately. Its not like me to be so blah about my very existence. I can't seem to get into any books so I end up vegetating in front of the TV watching crap that is literally rotting my brain. I spent an inordinate amount of money shopping to numb myself but that has to stop. Like seriously my closet can't take it.

Work is kicking back in and its beating me down but I somehow find myself getting back up and going another round. I really must be a masochist. Amongst everything else, I am trying to learn to drive which is in my case a serious case of mind over matter. Hopefully, my mind will finally win this battle.

Maybe I can try the same technique on this horrible case of life diarrhea and get out of this funk.